Category Archives: where I pretend to know about politics

swapping your blood with formaldehyde

Slate, my second favorite daytime educational resource (read: website I fuck around on while at work), has devoted this week to a series of articles about the end of America.

There were a lot of very interesting subjects discussed. Swear. However, my personal favorite was the ‘chose your own Apocalypse‘ interactive feature.

I can not  make this stuff up.

Basically, you got 144 different crises that could lead to the end of America, the free world, or the entire planet, depending on how you mixed and matched. Each one had a backstory of sorts, but since I couldn’t be bother to read 144 entire paragraphs, here are those I find most amusing based on nothing but their titles. The numbers indicate their current popularity among the 60,000 Slate readers who have chosen their own Apocalypse.

1. Loose Nukes – I know. Nuclear weapons, not funny. But am I the only one who is picturing a bunch of cartoon warheads zig zagging around in the air over the US, with big googly eyes and their tongues hanging out? I am? Ok, moving on.

6. Obesity – Fat people just can NOT catch a break!

11. Red vs. Blue
12. Decadence
17. Laziness

The colors start to get feisty, and we’re too busy overdecorating our houses and refusing to exercise to do anything about it … all hell breaks lose?

23. Corporate Takeover – Like, a corporation that’s not part of the world? Huh.
24. Obama as God – I’m pretty sure this one already happened. (I know, straight to hell with me.)
25. Supervolcano – Pleasepleaseplease can this be a movie staring Pierce Brosnan?

Run from the SuperVolcano, Pierce! Faster! Faster! Its SUPER!

Run from the SuperVolcano, Pierce! Faster! Faster! It's SUPER!

26. Dec. 21, 2012 – In the spirit of lazy decadence, I’m not going to google this. I’m just going to assume they think that Christmas depression will finally kill us all.


28. The Rapture
– technically only the devout would disappear. Wouldn’t it be business as usual for the rest of us, albeit with fewer books like this?
29. Big Brother – If they mean the show, then yes. 1000 times yes.
31. Math and Science – Fortunately, as long as the rapture happens first, there will be no problems whatsoever here.
37. Voluntary Human Extinction – um… all of us? Really? Does that seem likely to anyone?
48. The Matrix

Find Keanu and well be fine. I fully believe that any race that has Keanu and Pierce will never fail.

Find Keanu and we'll be fine. I fully believe that any race that has Keanu and Pierce will never fail.


51. Gray Goo
– I have nothing to say here. Gray Goo could and might cause the Apocalypse.
68. End of English – How would this cause the end of America? No, really.
73. The End of History – Conversely, is there a way that this doesn’t mean the end of everything? I mean, isn’t this just another way of saying that?
85. Rods From God – I am hoping against hope that this means hot rods, and we’re all going to expire while watching ‘Fast, Furious, and Godly’.
89. Suburban Slums – Louisville CO, West Side.
107. Vermont Independence – Maple syrup? Is that the problem? Cause I like maple syrup as much as the next girl, but I’m not sure it would lead me to (say) voluntarily extinct myself.
115. Space Harvesting – The next Will Smith blockbuster.
118. Money Virus – Yep. If the money dies, we die. Fo sho.
126. Cell Phones

This of course excludes iPhones, right? Right, guys?


132. Diet
– Obesity AND Diet? Make up your minds, Apocalypse gods! Damn you!

139. End of Homeownership – They had 143 and needed 144 to make a rectangle. That is the only possible explanation for this one.

Are you wondering what I think the Apocalypse is going to look like? Three words.

Supercollider. Bottled Water.


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Sunday Best

We have a First Couple who fist bumps. God bless America.    

We have a First Couple who fist bumps. God bless America.

One of the princes is single! Ok, its not the cute one, but women everywhere are wondering what it would be like to be addressed as Princess. Or maybe thats just me.

One of the princes is single! Ok, it's not the cute one, but women everywhere are wondering what it would be like to be addressed as 'Princess'. Or maybe that's just me.

The HILARIOUS alterations of Janis Joplins wiki page after the 30 Rock episode where they did the same thing. Click here for a screen shot of the page before wikipedia shut it down and fixed it.

The HILARIOUS alterations of Janis Joplin's wiki page after the 30 Rock episode where they did the same thing. Bet Janis thought it was funny too, she seems like a lady with a sense of humor.

 

A screenshot of the JJ wiki page before wikipedia shut it down and fixed it. Click for larger image.

A screenshot of the JJ wiki page before wikipedia shut it down and fixed it. Click for larger image.

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Best of 2008

 

I realize that I promised this post yesterday, but I felt that it was unfair to post a best of 2008 post while still in 2008. What if something incredible had happened or occurred to me last night and I’d left it off? Of course, nothing on this list actually happened or occurred me to last night, but you never know for sure, do you.

 2008 was a fabulous year for me. I got a great new job, I solidified a fantastic new friendship, and I managed to avoid getting into any new personally destructive relationships. Woop woop for me.

 That being said, 2008 was also a fabulous year for the world I live in. I realize that there were downsides, but I’m choosing not to focus on those, obviously. And you’ll notice what isn’t on the list – the arrival of a man who I firmly believe will make a difference both in America and in the world. 

 Movies

The House Bunny

I’m not kidding about this. I watched it on Christmas day with my mom, and it’s everything everyone loved in Legally Blond, but better. Instead of being a spoiled rich girl, she’s a Playboy bunny. How much more relatable is that? Every girl has, at one time, considered her playboy potential, but very few women are able to picture themselves as spoiled rich girls without a secret sense of pissed off-ed ness. Loved it.

 

Wall-E

“EvvvvAH.”  “WallEEEEEEEEE.” I cried while he was protecting her from the elements. I cry at most children’s movies, which is why I generally avoid them, but this one was as good as Monster’s Inc. Which as far as I’m concerned is the best animated film of my lifetime. Not kidding.

 

The Happening

This movie was universally hated, and I can see why. I’m not an overwhelming M. Night fan – I liked The Sixth Sense ok and LOVED Signs, but loathed The Village. Seriously, loathed. The Happening was slow, preachy, and held no surprises at all. And yet, I love it. There’s no accounting for taste. 

Television

How I Met Your Mother

I realize this television show is in it’s 3rd season, but it’s new to me so I’m including it. Plus, I’ve seen them all and it just keeps getting better. Eminently quotable – Legen-wait for it-dary. Also, you put Willow and Wesley in anything and I’m gonna love it.

 Online

Fine Lines

Jezebel.com is essentially a…. so I just typed like ten insulting things and then deleted them because I LOVE it, and I obviously can’t insult myself. In their own words, it’s a site devoted to ‘celebrity, sex, fashion for women’. That doesn’t do it justice though, so check it out.

One of their features is a weekly column called Fine Lines. LOVE it. Lizzie Skurnick reviews the books that all girls of my generation read growing up – summarizes then gives her own thoughts. I have rediscovered many adolescent loves through this column. She’s writing a book, and I am going to buy it. Maybe two copies. And all women I know are getting it as gifts – brace yourselves.

Audible.com

One of my lifelong problems is the fact that I read while doing things that you shouldn’t do while reading. Cooking, walking, cleaning, putting on makeup, etc. I have a very limited capacity for self entertainment, and therefore need input at all times. Example: am watching a movie while I write this. (Friends and Family, hilarious). Audible.com has allowed me to have books read TO me while I do those things. I will never again poke myself in the eye with a mascara wand because I just HAVE to finish that sentence.

Books

It’s been a weak year for books. Or I haven’t been reading the right ones, I guess. The only book I read this year that I intend to read again is Duma Key. I almost inevitably love Stephen King, but this was above and beyond what I expected. I will reread yearly or more. Of course, Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows was released at the very very end of last year, but I read it this year. So that counts too I think.

Social Phenomenon

Marriage is the social theme of my year. I suppose it has more to do with the fact that I’m 27 than it does with 2008, but still. Yay for all of my lovely friends who tied the knot or celebrated first anniversaries this year. And yay for me for the consumption of champagne and cute boys. That’s how I roll.

 emma-as-scarecrow

Clothing

Victoria’s Secret Ipex bra

Women make choices every day. Some are ones men are never asked to make: natural or enhanced? Underwire or wireless? I personally lean towards, well, the sports bra.  But…. I’m a cold person. I am always chilly, especially at work. You do the math. And NOW – Ipex is here for me. That’s all I’m sayin.

People

Lisa Garza

No, she did not win Next Food Network Star. That honor went to Aaron whats-is-name. I do not approve. Lisa is a scary, scary, well dressed woman, and I adore her. We’d be best friends – she’s my particular brand of crazy. Love it. 

 

Simon Baker

 

Hello handsome

Hello handsome

 

 

 

Sex and Death 101. The Mentalist. Need I say more?

That’s it. Loved 2008. Expect to fully love 2009. Have serious wishes for all of you to love it too. Kisses, Emma

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the end of the world as we know it

  • The large hadron collider scares the hell out of me if I think about it too hard.
jeesh. goosebumps, man.

jeesh. goosebumps, man.

  • The bodies exhibit – you know, the one where people donated their corpses to be sliced very thinly… kind of like carpaccio I guess… ew – is on display at the Colorado Mills Mall. You know, the outlet one. When I saw it a year or two ago it was at the Natural History Museum. If I donated my body to some scientist and a few years afterwards I was touring the outlet mall of America, I’d be wicked pissed.
  • Dating two men at the same time is not right – that’s why they invented dueling.
  • My grandparents neighborhood of Littleton is either the safest or the scariest place I’ve ever been. Witness – locked myself out yesterday while Mom and Grandma were at the hospital with Grandpa. While I was attempting to remove the screen from the front window and climb through, a police officer drove by. And ignored me. And the five inCREDibly loud dogs inside who were barking at me like I was a complete stranger. After I completely failed on the climbing through portion of my plan, I started serially door knocking, looking for a spare key or possibly a phone. I was welcomed with open arms at every location. No one cared that I was filthy and had absolutely no proof of what I was saying. Again – either awesome or terrifying. I can’t decide. I’m pretty glad that copper didn’t throw me in the hoosegow though.
  • American Idol starts in a couple of weeks. I’m considering being a freak about it this year, seeing as how they’ve replaced Paula. I intend to watch a few episodes then side very strongly against the new girl. Or for her. I’m keeping an open mind on that, I guess  – she’s written some of Kelly Clarkson’s songs and they’re pretty much awesome to belt along with, so I’m leaning towards the ‘for her’ right now. I figure either way I have to watch at least once more before I’m too old to compete – at that point it will just be depressing.
  • My Grandpa’s nurses are funny and awesome and loving, and I’m sure there’s a link between that and the overwhelming preponderance of women in the feild. Funny and awesome and loving are not solely female traits, of course, but I think we have the monopoly on them.
  • I’m considering taking up smoking in solidarity for Obama. Probably the bubble gum cigarettes that have the flour inside the paper, if I can find them. But maybe the real ones if those fake ones are too hard to come by. If the president (elect) does it, it’s good enough for this girl!

Stay tuned for my best of 2008 post! I have no idea what’s going to be on it, but it’s going to be legen…. wait for it ….dary.

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Dear catastrophe girlfriend

Monday, January 28, 2008

Or not. The girlfriend part, not the catastrophe part – I think I’ve got that part pretty well covered.

So, as a very sad girl today, my plan for tonight was pretty much to go to bed with a bottle of gin and not think about it until tomorrow.  However, I have since stumbled on an alternative plan which I think may beat that hands down.  Not only will it have the same effect (I will end the night drunk and depressed), it will allow me to share the sorrows of others instead of … well, you know, wallowing.

What is this brilliant plan, you ask?  The State of the Union Drinking Game, of course!
While I could go the easy way, and just drink twice every time he says ‘God’, I think I’m going a bit more political.

  • Every time Bush mentions Iran: 1 drink
  • Hamas: 1 drink
  • North Korea: 1 drink
  • Bush begins a sentence with “British Intelligence…”: Drink an entire bottle of whatever you were drinking three years ago, throw it at the TV
  • Bush mentions the people of New Orleans: Cry into your beer, then drink it.
  • Bush mentions the people of New Orleans in a positive light: Shot of bitters.
  • Bush mentions Hurricane Katrina: Tell person sitting next to you that you’ll refill their glass, leave town for a couple days.
  • Bush mentions Hurricane Katrina in a positive light: Check the label.
  • Every time Bush makes reference to a previous President’s SOTU address: 1 drink.
  • If the reference is to a Democratic President’s speech: 2 drinks.
  • To Grover Cleveland’s 1888 address: Finish the bottle.
  • Bush mentions Coretta Scott King: pour out a 40 on the curb.
  • Chris Penn: Pour out a 40, a steak, and a milkshake on the curb.
  • “Health Savings Accounts”: Enjoy the freedom to choose a drink you can’t afford.
  • Bush ends the speech with “Ever get the feeling you’ve been cheated?”: A billion drinks.

Thank you Wonkette.
Isn’t doing it for you? Try
this one. Better hurry, though – only half an hour left and you’re probably already several shots behind me.

Later notes – yes, have been drinking, why do you ask?  Did he just say:
“catch and release” when referring to immigrants?
“nucular”?
“republican”?
“hishpanish children”?
“nucular”?
WAIT – someone definitely just yelled boo-yah. wtf?
“whim of the gavel”? Do you think he says that to Laura at night? ‘Laura, baby, its time to obey the whim of the gavel’. She probably just laughs.
(how does sending 3000 troops to afghanistan count as bringing them home? wait, that’s real politics, and this is about binge drinking while I watch GW mispronounce words on the teevee)
I think Cheney is asleep
“nucular”? that’s three times. I think that means I have to go to the liquor store.
Did he just refer to the country of New Orleans? Seriously.
“and by ‘save these vital programs, I mean completely eviscerate them'”.  I must be watching the outtakes.

and… I’m done.

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