Category Archives: they let me on skates?


If this proves to be a good idea, I’m going to start uploading a Sunday Talky in place of my previous Sunday Best posts.  If it proves to be a bad idea, I… won’t.

Also, do I really smack my lips like that when I talk, or is that a function of being videotaped? I’m hoping for the latter.



Filed under sunday talky, they let me on skates?

the tiniest sprinter is a party pooper

tiniest sprinter: so how’s the butt?

emma: achy. i think it’s broken.

tiniest sprinter: whaaa? what does that mean? can you still do stuff? we’re talking tailbone here, right?

emma: yeah. tailbone. i think i broke it because the symptoms of bruising are different. it hurts when i sit on it. but not actually more than when i’m not sitting on it. its hard to explain. but i think it’s broken.

tiniest sprinter: i’ve heard they don’t DO anything for it if it’s broken anyway, though, right?

emma: right. maybe tell me to stop skating. and fuck that shit.

tiniest sprinter: you should have the tailbone removed!

emma: i was talking about that last night. and either get it replaced with titanium so i can mess some girls up. or some floppy polymer so i’m all bendy.

tiniest sprinter: or just removed. i doubt it does anything.

emma: ok but imagine if it was titanium. and i could put thread on there and then get a titanium tail and screw it on and off whenever i wanted.

tiniest sprinter: gross. the tail would come out from between your butt cheeks.

emma: wow you are just a serious party pooper today


Filed under I'm a cranky brat, other people are sometimes funny too, the people I love, they let me on skates?

let them sleep, let them stay sleeping

Tomorrow will take us two weeks into the new year and the new decade. Let’s see how I’m doing with my resolutions so far, shall we?

1) Don’t get sick.

So far, so good. If you don’t count the tailbone that may or may not be broken (stupid motherfucking tailbone). I’m laying on my stomach writing this and haven’t sat up all day, if that gives you any indication of my current comfort level.

I was in so much pain last night that I let Jessica, one of my derby dearhearts, put Icy Hot patches on my butt for me. On my actual butt. I’m pretty sure she saw more than she wanted to, but that’s what derby sisters are for.

2) Stop obsessing over my damn hair.

Ah ha -hahha ha. Ha. Yeah, not.


3) Stop buying non-consumables.


Well, except for these... but trust me, my butt has declared padded shorts a necessity.

And these... because it's my BIRTHDAY and I want them ok shutupaboutitalready.

So… maybe not so good. I have a whole year to get it right.

4) I will blog a minimum of five days a week.

I’ve been rockin that one like a rocking rock climber.

5) I will work on building strong friendships with women who want the same thing.

See above re: Jessica putting patches on my butt and below re: all the lovely ladies in the picture.

6) I will perfect a smile that I don’t mind being photographed.

I think maybe it’s just about looking happy without trying too hard. I’m getting there.

7) I will be a grown up in the ways that matter, and put off being a grown up for as long as possible in the ways that don’t.

This one is baby steps, every day. I’m doing ok though. YAY me.

There you go. Two weeks in and I give myself a C+. No, a B-. Because it’s the week of my birthday and I can.


Filed under I make lists, money to burn (apparently), tellin secrets, they let me on skates?, whoops

the tiniest sprinter gets and loses a girlfriend

me: i forgot to tell you something funny

there is a girl on my derby team named nicolette

and when i met her someone said she should marry my brother

and i said that i’d introduce you

but she’d have to steal you from your girlfriend

and that you were 25

and she’s like 32

and we decided that you were dating but then the age difference and the girlfriend thing were just too hard

and you had to break up

and then i took her picture

so you could see your ex girlfriend that you never met

and she said to tell you it was the best 30 second long distance relationship of her life

Sam: excellent

me: sending it now

Sam: we would have dark haired children with excellent cheekbones

me: that you would

The Ex Future Mrs. Tiniest Sprinter

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Filed under I think I'm funny, other people are sometimes funny too, the people I love, they let me on skates?

hey, remember that time?

Mornin’ loves!

I was a gigantic cranky pants yesterday, in case you didn’t notice. The boy IM’d me after I posted the blog about silliness in our relationship.

the boy: what!? Making up Neil Diamond lyrics about how much he loves his Bedazzler is not “silly” enough?? (This is true. He made up an entire song’s worth. I almost threw up I was laughing so hard.)

me: LOL. I forgot about that. You’re totally right. I’ll add an adendum.

the boy: I know that was certainly at the forefront of your mind, but it just wouldn’t fit with the tone of the post.

me: Oh right yeah that’s totally completely exactly what happened.

Apparently we’re silly all the time and I was just being dour and sour and generally 100 kinds of crotchety. Which is a funny word and makes me smile, because it simultaneously brings up mental images of old people and makes me think of crotch and how can you not laugh when you hear that word? Crotch. Ha.

I feel much better today though, because last night I had a complete failure of a derby practice and I adored every single second of it.

  • We practiced falls. I am SUPER good at falls. If there was an MVF (most valuable faller) award for the newbies, I would totally win.
  • We practiced skating backwards. I am super good at standing up on my skates while facing backwards (you know you’re facing backwards when you’re facing the opposite direction that everyone else is moving).
  • We practiced stopping. I am super good at the stop that looks like the plow stop they teach three year old skiers. The other ones mostly involve skating backwards and not standing backwards, so I’ll have to grow into those.

I also got my mentor. Her name is Raven Lunachic and she didn’t smack me upside the head when I failed to skate backwards for the tenth straight minute in a row, which leads me to believe a) that she’s incredibly patient and b) that I would not make a good mentor because that would have been my instinct after about two minutes.

Basically, I love derby and I love silliness and I’m thinking that maybe I should just start staying at home under the covers on Thursdays. Fuck Thursdays, right? Can I get a hell yeah?


See? MVF. Also, could I BE any sexier?

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Filed under dating is fun!, it's all about me, other people are sometimes funny too, they let me on skates?

Best of 2009

I have a list of naughties bests that I’m working on, but it’s still in a little bit of flux, so I’m going to save it for when I’m done with this one.

Remember last year, when I did a best of 2008 post? That was fun, let’s do it again!  (Also, if you’ve been reading my blog for a year, bless you, I love you, many many smooches I am bestowing upon you.)


-The movie club started this year! We reviewed sooo many truly horrific movies, I’m not even going to list them all.

– I loved Coraline more than …. well, definitely more than the six year old that was in the theater with us at 9 on a Sunday night. The six year old that cried to his grandparents that he wanted to leave RIGHT NOW early in the film, and was told to wait it out because Coraline would win in the end. The same six year old that literally made a break for it when Bad Mommy turned into Bad Spider Mommy. I definitely loved it more than that kid, for sure.


What’s that, Nathan Fillion? You’d like to sweep me off to a tropical island for a beach wedding and an eternity of happily ever after? Hm…let me thinkabou-Ok. Let’s go. No, of course I don’t need to pack anything, we won’t be wearing clothes. Obviously. Where’s the limo?


-For me, this has been the year of discovering other bloggers. Temerity Jane, Aunt Becky and The Bloggess are my personal favorites for both their hilarity and their ability to whine about being sick with a frequency and enthusiasm that puts mine to shame.


-It has been an AWESOME year for books, especially compared to last year. My two favorites were:

Social Phenomena

Yes, I am in enormous buckets full of love, thank you for asking.

-I’m a Rocky Mountain Rollergirl! I heard through the insanely frequently updated yahoo user group that one of the newbies has already passed her skills test… the gauntlet has been thrown. 2009 will forever be the year I started roller derby.


Maida is people, shut UP.

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Filed under I have a pop culture problem, it's hard being this beautiful, sunday best, the people I love, they let me on skates?, things I think are pretty

am I dimmer every day

I’m just going to put something out there.

I am not a good skater.

No, it’s true. I’m not. I’m new, and I will get better, so this is not the end of the line, but MAN am I not a good skater.

Our first practice was tonight. We did some free skating, then had actual skating lessons. I sort of thought I’d be good at this – I mean, I’m an athlete. I can run a marathon. I realize that every roller girl in the world already knew this, but turns out skating is not running. Shocking, I know. I fell. A lot.

Then we did blocking. One of my most endearing/irritating (depending on who you are and your relationship to me) habits is compulsive laughter at inconvenient moments. The first time I fell off the wall when rock climbing – hysterical laughter. When I went indoor skydiving my laughter actually unbalanced me enough that my diving guide had to give me a stern talking to about it. Turns out blocking gives me a similar reaction. We paired up, planted our feet like sumo wrestlers on skates, and banged into each other over and over again. The soundtrack was a Killers album on the sound system, the soft grunts of tough chicks hitting each other, and the very poorly suppressed giggles of yours truly.

Our last bit of newbie initiation involved NOT being on wheels. We played derby… on foot. And it was awesome. And hard. And I got knocked down by a girl who was bigger than me.

This game is fan-fucking-tastic. These women are fan-fucking-tastic. Soon enough, I will no longer be skating like I’m made of whatever that stuff Gumby is made from. At least I hope so. Alternatively, I’d like to actually be made of what Gumby is made of, because I’m pretty sure that dude doesn’t bruise.

Me in my new RMGM sweatshirt.

Gumby. Not a Rocky Mountain Rollergirl.


Filed under they let me on skates?