Category Archives: I make lists

Well you can tell by the way I use my walk

Chewbacca*: big Saturday Night Fever fan?

emmanation: nope

emmanation: I seem to remember it being quite depressing

emmanation: right?

Chewbacca: oh emma

Chewbacca: there are so many life lessons in that movie….I am really starting to feel distant from you.

emmanation: I hate depressing movies

emmanation: tell me the life lessons

emmanation: without me having to watch it

emmanation: then we both win

Chewbacca: and horror movies are not depressing…….mmmmmmm you have issues

emmanation: horror movies aren’t even a little bit depressing

emmanation: you have it backwards

Chewbacca: I wholeheartedly disagree….Horror movies desensitize you to the world

Chewbacca: life lessons from Sat night fever

Chewbacca:

  1. There are two types of women….Neighborhood sluts and girls that want more out of life. You are better off with the latter.
  2. Hard work in a paint store will get you a raise.
  3. The weekend is for dancing not just drinking.
  4. A group of friends with similar interests is what life is all about until one of them gets beat up in a gang fight and then tells you on his hospital bed that it is not worth it.
  5. It is ok to have a sense of community and strut around it….and to dream of visiting other places in a bigger city.
  6. Watch out for Puerto Ricans…..They can dance better than Italians.
  7. Put a napkin over your shirt before you go out.
  8. Spending extra time on your hair will get you the girl in the end.

emmanation: LOL

emmanation: these are excellent

Chewbacca: 9) Don’t give a short whiney guy drugs…..It exaggerates depression and he may jump off a bridge

emmanation: too far

*not his real name.

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Filed under I have a pop culture problem, I make lists, other people are sometimes funny too, the people I love, work

let them sleep, let them stay sleeping

Tomorrow will take us two weeks into the new year and the new decade. Let’s see how I’m doing with my resolutions so far, shall we?

1) Don’t get sick.

So far, so good. If you don’t count the tailbone that may or may not be broken (stupid motherfucking tailbone). I’m laying on my stomach writing this and haven’t sat up all day, if that gives you any indication of my current comfort level.

I was in so much pain last night that I let Jessica, one of my derby dearhearts, put Icy Hot patches on my butt for me. On my actual butt. I’m pretty sure she saw more than she wanted to, but that’s what derby sisters are for.

2) Stop obsessing over my damn hair.

Ah ha -hahha ha. Ha. Yeah, not.

Lookithowcutethisis!!

3) Stop buying non-consumables.

Done.

Well, except for these... but trust me, my butt has declared padded shorts a necessity.

And these... because it's my BIRTHDAY and I want them ok shutupaboutitalready.

So… maybe not so good. I have a whole year to get it right.

4) I will blog a minimum of five days a week.

I’ve been rockin that one like a rocking rock climber.

5) I will work on building strong friendships with women who want the same thing.

See above re: Jessica putting patches on my butt and below re: all the lovely ladies in the picture.

6) I will perfect a smile that I don’t mind being photographed.

I think maybe it’s just about looking happy without trying too hard. I’m getting there.

7) I will be a grown up in the ways that matter, and put off being a grown up for as long as possible in the ways that don’t.

This one is baby steps, every day. I’m doing ok though. YAY me.

There you go. Two weeks in and I give myself a C+. No, a B-. Because it’s the week of my birthday and I can.

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Filed under I make lists, money to burn (apparently), tellin secrets, they let me on skates?, whoops

fear of flying

I have one. The recent explosion and changes in security have not at all lessened it. It’s not particularly funny, really, but you know what is?

This tweet from The Bloggess.

The responses she got were bordering on legendary, but you’ll have to go read her blog to see them all. I want to talk about the phobia dictionary that she linked to.

Are you truly aware of how many named phobias there are? Enough people are afraid of symmetry for it to have it’s own name (symmetrophobia, of course). Symmetry. What are you afraid of, if you’re afraid of symmetry? I mean, are you frightened of cars? Cars are quite symmetrical when viewed from the front. Computers? Denzel Washington, who purportedly has a perfectly symmetrical face?

Turns out there are also quite a few phobias that I didn’t realize I had until I knew there were names for them. Thanks, Phobia Dictionary, for teaching me that I have:

  • Taeniophobia, Teniophobia – Fear of tapeworms.
  • Spheksophobia – Fear of wasps.

In my defense, is there anyone out there who is all ‘oooo wasps and tapeworms come crawl all over me’? I’m leaning towards no. (The oooo was supposed to represent a happy gosh-I-love-these-creepy-crawlies voice, not a sex voice. Because I’m pretty sure that’s a different thing all together.)

  • Spacephobia – Fear of outer space.

Sadly, this is true. I’m pretty sure that if you put me into space my mental capabilities would just shut right down and I’d die.

  • Scelerophibia – Fear of bad men, burglars.

I’m fine with bad women, although not women burglars. Apparently I’m not alone.

  • Rhytiphobia – Fear of getting wrinkles.

BeautifulPeople.com definitely wouldn’t let me in.

  • Rhabdophobia – Fear of being severely punished or beaten with a rod, or of being severely criticized.

Blame this one on Roald Dahl’s Boy: Tales from Childhood.

  • Quadraphobia – Fear of quartets or of being drawn and quartered.

The quartet part, obviously. Who is afraid of being drawn and quartered anymore? And have you seen those little hats that barbershop quartets wear?

Shudder.

  • Obesophobia, Pocrescophobia – Fear of gaining weight.

I’m a red blooded American female. Cut me some slack.

  • Nucleomituphobia – Fear of nuclear weapons.

This one should just be called ‘being smart’.

  • Nihilophobia – Fear of (absolutely) nothing.
  • Fearaphobia, Fearophobia – fear of developing fears.

Give these two some thought – if you don’t get caught in a fear spiral of epic proportions, I’ll eat that guy above’s barbershop hat.

  • Luiphobia, Syphilophobia – Fear of syphilis.
  • Homichlophobia, Nebulaphobia – Fear of fog.

The syphilis fear can be traced directly back to that one episode of Grey’s Anatomy, and the fog fear to Stephen King’s The Mist. This may or may not be an indication that my pop culture consumption level is a leeeeettle high.

  • Cholerophobia – Fear of anger or the fear of cholera.

Fortunately, I’m scared of both being yelled at AND cholera. Win-win.

  • Automatonophobia – Fear of any inanimate object that represents a sentient being, eg. statues, dummies, robots, etc.

See: uncanny valley. Ick.

There you have it. Fifteen fears I didn’t realize I had until the Phobia Dictionary helped me put a name to them. Thanks, Phobia Dictionary!

I’m going home to hide under my bed.

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Filed under I have a pop culture problem, I make lists, it's all about me

Best of the Naughties

First of all, how hilarious is it to call the recently departed decade the Naughties? I picked it up from Jezebel and Slate (I think) and I find it giggle inducing every time I say it.

Naughties. Giggle.

This decade was a whopper for me personally. Of course, it was one of only three that I’ve been alive and one of two that I’ve been a functioning member of society (i.e. having an age that’s in the double digits), so it wasn’t hard for it to be significant. I finished college, went to pastry school, went through several careers, fell in and out of love with a few men (in once more than out, fortunately), became the proud mama of two fabulous dogs, bought a house, and got three tattoos. I wholeheartedly adopted blogging, painting, twitter, compulsive furniture rearranging, orchids, vegetarianism, veganism (temporarily), and running. I made friends, lost friends, my brother moved away, my dad moved away and came back, my parents got divorced, and I gained and lost thirty pounds. As I said, a whopper.

However, turns out it’s near to impossible to remember tens years worth of movies and books. Here goes nothing – if I forget something incredible or critical or not-to-be-forgotten, remind me. That’s what the comments are for.

Movies

– There are so many reasons this movie stuck with me. 1) Michelle Rodriguez. She is hot and strong and I’ve been madly in love with her since long before her turn on Lost. 2) The naughties (giggle) were the decade of my slow birth as a feminist, and this movie was a large part of what kicked that off. 3) Punching. Lots of punching.

– Have you seen this? You see how Rose McGowan’s leg has been replaced by a machine gun? You see the big skull and crossbones on the hood of that car? Are you going to go out and rent it RIGHT NOW? What if I told you that the incredible Zoe Bell, who did Uma Thurman’s stunts in Kill Bill, played herself and did a whole scene where she rides on the hood of a car for fun? For FUN! Go rent it. I’m not even kidding. If you trust me, go buy it. You won’t be sorry. Do you need a little more encouragement? Ok, here is just one of many fake trailers that are included.

– Fine, maybe Slither isn’t technically a ‘good’ movie. You know what though? It’s the closest the naughties (giggle) came to a new Tremors, and Tremors is my favorite movie of all time. Of. All. Time. Shut UP. Also – Nathan Fillion, lookin all hot. As per usual.

TV

I’m going with three different categories here. First, best overall new show. Second, best single episode. Third, best character added in the naughties (giggle). Doesn’t that sound all sensible? I’m nothing if not sensible. Sensible sensible. Sensible. Ha.

Best New Show

– Ah Grey’s, how I love thee. With your extremely attractive doctors and your best-tv-relationship-EVER (Meredith and Derek, like I need to say it). With your story lines that made me skip everything on Thursday nights – dates, parties, classes, audiences with the pope, whatever. Please, never stop. Ever.

Best Single Episode

– Yeah yeah yeah I’m a gigantic geek. I’ve dealt with it. The musical episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer was fan-fucking-tastic and there are an entire posse of geeks out there that agree with me. See?

Best New Character

– YesfineI’mmorethanmildlyobsessedwithJossWhedoncanwemoveon? Winifred Burkle, from Angel. While Angel officially spun off from Buffy in 99, Fred wasn’t saved from her otherworldly cave of insanity until 2001 so this totally counts. Fred is neurotic and genius and pretty much the anti-Cordelia. If you don’t know who Cordelia is… well, I don’t know where to start. No, really. Just believe me when I say Fred is the girl every smart girl wants to be.

Online

– This was the decade of the mocking website. This Is Why You’re Fat, Cake Wrecks, Fuck You Penguin, Your Tattoo Sucks, Hot Chicks with Douchebags, Fail Blog – people, you have made meanness into an art. This was also, of course, the decade of LOLspeak – but we won’t talk about that.

– Emmanation.wordpress.com started in 2007 (sort of). I don’t know if you guys are reading that shit, but MAN it’s hilarious and insightful and just plain magical. You should go check it out.

Books

I’m sorry, loves, but this one is impossible. I have probably read upwards of 1000 books in the last ten years, and I cannot pick favorites. That’s like asking me to pick my favorite breath or my favorite strand of hair. Just not gonna happen. (Because I love breathing and I love my hair, get it? I am SO funny that sometimes I feel like I have to explain my funny. Just in case it was too funny.)

Social Phenomena

I’m not going to mention Myspace or Facebook or Twitter or Napster (because I never used Napster of course – hear me, FCC?). Partially because drrr, and partially because I’d like to look back on this ten years from now and not be mortified.

Speaking of mortification:

– I was in a band. We were called The Take. I wore skirts (what you’re seeing is the longest of my onstage skirts by several inches, in deference to the fact that it was like -2 the night we played at the Larimer Lounge) and Cons and sang songs with titles like Disease of Our Youth and thought I was the sexiest thing with a microphone. Because I was. Obviously.

This is normally where I’d segue into the people of the naughties (giggle) but I have a LOT of candidates – real life, celebs, four legged, etc. Therefore, I’m moving that to it’s very own post. Tomorrow, dear readers.

I hope that you enjoyed the naughties (giggle) as much as I obviously did.

My cold and I are going roller skating.

Muah.

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Filed under girl geek, I have a pop culture problem, I make lists, it's all about me, sunday best, the people I love, things I think are pretty, turns out I'm a feminist

Brooklyn, Brooklyn take me in

My plan for today was to write a best of 2009 post. Or possibly a best of the decade post. Or mebbe possibly a worst of the decade post.

However, I am sick as all get out. I have had this damn cold since Sunday, when I quite amusingly (according to the boy) lost my voice. My voice is back, but it came with a cough that’s somewhere between hacking and hacking me in the chest with an axe. Good metaphor, huh. Yeah, I’m all about the awesome right now.

So instead of looking back, I’m going to look forward and talk about my resolutions. I don’t usually make them, because as everyone in the world says, they’re motherfuckin hard to keep. Fortunately, I’m only making, like, seven, and they’re all easy.

1) I will not get sick in 2010.  I’m not kidding. I have been sick like 50% of this year and seeing as how there is nothing major wrong with me, that is bloody ridiculous. I take vitamins, I work out, I get enough sleep – really, the only thing left to do is apply the strength of my mind. Well that or quit my job to reduce my stress level. Since that would rapidly lead to me living under a bridge and begging for pocket change to feed my expensive dog food habit, I’m thinking that’s probably not going to make me healthier. So mind over matter, man. That’s the plan. NO SICKNESS IN 2010. I would chant it out loud, but that would lead to a coughing fit. (Since I’m guessing I’m not going to feel better first thing in the morning, I of course mean no sicknesses started in 2010.)

When I told the boy about this resolution, he said he is resolving to learn how to fly. I said fuck you buddy. Then I gave him a big germy kiss. Being sick makes me funny.

2) Stop obsessing over cutting my damn hair. When it’s short, I want it long. When it’s long, I want it short. I’m going to go to my hair place sometime in January, have them give me a cut that doesn’t rule out a ponytail but doesn’t turn into an unruly mess when left free, and roll with it.

It's fine short.

It's fine long.

I’m drinking in both pictures for continuity. No, really. Otherwise you may think ‘gee, I like her long hair better but she surely does look cute with a beer in her hand’ or vice versa, and I’m all about fair tests. Also, see resolution #6.

If the aforementioned mid-length ponytail ready yet still tamable cut doesn't exist, I'll do this. Yes, this is totally me. What, you think this looks like Natalie Portman? Aww, that's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.

3) I will stop buying non-consumables. There are exceptions – things I may need for derby, for example. But no purchases of stuff just because I want said stuff. Period. No, really. Yeah, it’s gonna suck.

4) I will blog a minimum of five days a week. You’re welcome.

5) I will work on building strong friendships with women who want the same thing. Women who tell me things about themselves, and want to know things about me. I have a few lovely girlfriends (dears, you know who you are) and they’ve shown me what having a good friend is like. It’s like a big squishy hug and a macadamia nut cookie all rolled up into one (with no white chocolate, OBVIOUSLY).

6) I will perfect a smile that I don’t mind being photographed. That’s right – 2010 will be the year in which not every photo of me is of me laughing or holding a drink to my mouth. I must have a smile that doesn’t make me look like a deranged six year old, somewhere inside me. I realize it will probably always be crooked (what is that about, really?) but there must be a way to tone it down a little bit.

Yeah, this smile. I would run away from someone holding a drill, smiling like this. This is literally the only picture I could find of my honest smile that I haven't deleted or hidden away in some folder. It's several years old.

7) I will be a grown up in the ways that matter, and postpone growing up as long as possible in the ways that don’t.

See? Easy-peasy.

Your turn.

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An Open Letter to Oprah

Oprah is quitting. She’s been on the air for 25 years, and it literally never once occurred to me that at some point she would probably get tired of being on the air every freaking day. The woman has 70 bajillion dollars [citation needed] and awesome dogs and a best friend who gets to go on the red carpet for reasons I don’t understand and a magazine… this is what we’re talking about when we say ‘building an Empire’. Fuck Bill Gates, dude – where’s his magazine?

She's on the cover of every single issue.

Fine, you're the master of the Universe. The magazine still isn't named after you. Point goes to Oprah.

She launched the careers of Bob Greene (mentioned on her cover above) and the far less deserving Dr. Phil – who has Donald Trump launched, huh? Where the hell are the winning Apprentices?

The first winner of The Apprentice. He now runs CigarsAroundtheWorld.com.

What on earth is she gong to do when she retires? I mean other than work on her mag and hang out with Gayle and just generally be awesome? I have some ideas befitting a woman of her stature and bankroll.

An Open Letter to Oprah:

Dear Oprah,

I have rarely watched your show and have never read your magazine. Despite that, I love you and want you to be happy – therefore, I fully support your retirement. While I know you think you’ll be all relaxed, an woman of your energy and brains will likely get bored very quickly, so I put together a list of some things you can do to while away the lazy days.

  • Go to Dubai and make an island shaped like the prince of Dubai’s head. Hire a team of gardeners to make plants grow out of it in funny places like his ears and nose.
  • Buy out Rupert Murdoch. Run for governor of wherever the heck Rupert Murdoch lives, win, and institute a law saying that he must spend an hour a day in the stocks until he apologizes for Fox News.
  • Stop dieting. You know you want to.
  • Start another magazine called ‘PlayO’. Make it more like Filament than Playgirl.
  • Smack some sense into Hugh Hefner – tell him those damn twins make fun of him behind his back and he is too freaking old to be getting up to those kind of shenanigans. He’ll take it from you. You’re Oprah.
  • Invite yourself over to Tom Cruise’s house. Jump up and down on his couch to distract him while Katie and Suri sneak out the back door.
  • Invest in the newest social media (you know, whatever comes after twitter). Insist that a capital O be somewhere in the name.
  • Tell the tiniest sprinter that I’m Mom’s favorite. He’ll listen. You’re Oprah.
  • Get Roller Derby into the Olympics. Because if anyone can, you can. Also, join roller derby. Have your derby name just be ‘Oprah’.

I have more, so if you’re interested, feel free to give me a call. I’m sure you can get my number – you’re Oprah.

Love,
Emma

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Filed under I have a pop culture problem, I make lists, nablopomo

Happy Birthday Sesame Street!

I know, I sucked it up yesterday. Not only did I write the lamest blog entry ever, I forgot that I was supposed to be reviewing Big Meat Eater. I had remembered on Sunday night, but Netflix was acting all cranky, and then I just plumb forgot. I’ll try to watch it tonight and review it tomorrow, promise-cross-my-heart-hope-that-if-I-forget-nothing-bad-happens-at-all. The tiniest sprinter did review it, so go check that out. I can promise it’s hilarious, even though I haven’t read it, because he’s always hilarious.

So… it’s Sesame Street’s official birthday today and I still haven’t acted on the genius ‘write a fake interview with your favorite Sesame  Street character’ idea that I was so graciously gifted with last week. I now realize that this is because Sesame Street was not, to my recollection, a  big part of my childhood. I went through all the characters I could remember and dismissed them one by one until the only one left was … well, you’ll see.

Let’s check it out:

  • Big Bird – Rejected

Pros: He has imaginary friends and is a seriously fabulous color. Also, he apparently understands the importance of car safety and a snuggly traveling buddy.
Cons: He is frighteningly tall and his imaginary friend Aloysius Snuffleupagus  was revealed to be real after they wanted kids to be taken seriously when they told people about child abuse. Sad. Also, Snuffy is scary. If I ran into him and Big Bird in a well lighted alley I would run away screaming.

  • Oscar the Grouch – Rejected

Pros: Green is awesome.
Cons: The dude lives in a trash can. Come on, man, have some self respect. And clean your room already.

  • Bert – Rejected

Pros: Undying loyalty to his best bud.
Cons: As someone so fastidious, you’d think he’d do something about that distracting and unflattering unibrow.

  • Ernie – Rejected

Pros: Undying loyalty to his best bud.
Cons: Stupid name. Really. Go by Earnest and my respect for you will increase 10,000 fold.

  • Elmo – Rejected

Pros: Makes me laugh because I always think of his cute Tickle Me Elmo giggle.
Cons: Overplayed. Take a back seat and let someone else shine for awhile, ya spotlight hog.

  • Cookie Monster – Seriously considered… then rejected

Pros: He does love his cookies. As someone who spent hours last week tweaking a chocolate chip cookie recipe and who then ate espresso oat cookies for breakfast this morning, I feel he and I may be muppety soul mates.
Cons: He now eats vegetables. He’s blue and I really really hate blue.

  • Count von Count – Rejected

Pros: Vampires are SOOOO in right now.
Cons: His thing is counting. He’s a vampire with a monocle and obsessive compulsive disorder. That may seem cool to you know, but walk a mile in his shoes and then tell me you wouldn’t give anything for normal sight, real food, and to just be able to put on gloves in the morning without counting your fingers first.

And finally, my top choice.

  • Rubber Ducky

Pros: He’s the one! He makes bathtime so much fun!
Cons: When I tried to interview him, he didn’t have much to say.

There you go. Complete Sesame Street interview fail. But Sesame Street? I love you anyway. Happy Birthday.

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