Category Archives: I have a pop culture problem

Really, Apple? Really?

There are so many neat features about this tablet. It’s a good size for web browsing, the depth of screen shown in the pic above is actually (in my opinion) preferable to the flat grey of the Kindle, and hell, apparently it’s only $500. If, of course, you only want Wi-Fi and 16 GB.

I know there are some people out there who do not particularly approve, but I actually sort of wish I hadn’t bought my little netbook six months ago.

Not that my netbook isn't also sized to be quite portable.

I’m not going to buy one, though. You know why, Apple?

You named it the iPad.

Do you have no women on your marketing team? I am not the only person that immediately thought:

See?

Come on, people. The iPod was fine – cute, even. The iPhone made perfect sense. What’s wrong with iTab? iBook? iAnythingThatIsn’tPeriodRelated?

Of course, there are the folks that disagree with my assessment.

This post kicked off a very angry conversation with Chewbacca.

Chewbacca: your fb post made Chewbacca  very angry.

emma: the iPad one?

Chewbacca: yes. You are widening the gap between men and women so we will not get along with each other

Chewbacca: or attempting to.

Chewbacca: it is really mean

emma: it’s not me

emma: it’s Apple naming it the iPad

Chewbacca: no. its that you have no other thought than to associate to “girl power”

Chewbacca: what other words isn’t apple allowed to use?

emma: i’m just sayin it’s bad marketing

Chewbacca: I am not sure I am gonna let my wife hang out with you anymore.

emma: ha

Chewbacca: until you show signs of supporting the opposite sex as much or more than your own.

emma: more, huh?

Chewbacca: well you have dug yourself quite a hole to get out of…..missy

There you go. Not only is the iPad an awesome little tablet thingy, it’s name is going to be the last straw in the battle of the sexes.

Really, Apple?

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Well you can tell by the way I use my walk

Chewbacca*: big Saturday Night Fever fan?

emmanation: nope

emmanation: I seem to remember it being quite depressing

emmanation: right?

Chewbacca: oh emma

Chewbacca: there are so many life lessons in that movie….I am really starting to feel distant from you.

emmanation: I hate depressing movies

emmanation: tell me the life lessons

emmanation: without me having to watch it

emmanation: then we both win

Chewbacca: and horror movies are not depressing…….mmmmmmm you have issues

emmanation: horror movies aren’t even a little bit depressing

emmanation: you have it backwards

Chewbacca: I wholeheartedly disagree….Horror movies desensitize you to the world

Chewbacca: life lessons from Sat night fever

Chewbacca:

  1. There are two types of women….Neighborhood sluts and girls that want more out of life. You are better off with the latter.
  2. Hard work in a paint store will get you a raise.
  3. The weekend is for dancing not just drinking.
  4. A group of friends with similar interests is what life is all about until one of them gets beat up in a gang fight and then tells you on his hospital bed that it is not worth it.
  5. It is ok to have a sense of community and strut around it….and to dream of visiting other places in a bigger city.
  6. Watch out for Puerto Ricans…..They can dance better than Italians.
  7. Put a napkin over your shirt before you go out.
  8. Spending extra time on your hair will get you the girl in the end.

emmanation: LOL

emmanation: these are excellent

Chewbacca: 9) Don’t give a short whiney guy drugs…..It exaggerates depression and he may jump off a bridge

emmanation: too far

*not his real name.

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the beautiful people

I’m IN. Holy crap. Yes, darlings, enough men found my picture acceptable to get me through the fabled golden gates of beautifulpeople.com, the website that recently kicked out 5000 folks for “too much holiday weight gain”. I’m practicing my investigative journalism skills since my skills as a restaurant reviewer are clearly lacking.

Ok, first things first, they would like me to create a profile. The things they want to know are very very specific.

  • Car owner? Yes/No
  • Smoker? Yes/No
  • Hair color? Drop down list of every hair color you can think of, including bald.
  • Eye color? All, including ‘other’. What color isn’t green, hazel, blue, dark blue, grey, brown, dark brown, or light brown? Do people have purple eyes? Yellow? Are Jacob the werewolf’s eyes yellow?
  • Weight in lbs? Again, an available drop down menu. Highest possible range: 260-264. Lowest possible range: 40-44. Apparently they accept kindergarteners.
  • Height in feet? 2 inch increments from 4’11” to 6″11.  I’m an inch and a half from being forced to lie.
  • Body type? Choices: slim, average, toned, athletic, muscular, cuddly, ample. I like that they stuck ample in there, but apparently you’re only allowed to be ample up to 264 pounds.
  • Relationship status? Choices: single, married, not specified, or in a relationship. Classy, beautifulpeople.com.

Thus far, I’m telling the truth in all of these questions.

  • Education? Level of degree.
  • Job title? Open answer. I said blogger. I’m giving them every chance to discover my undercover identity, here.
  • Job description? I figure blogger pretty much covers it.

Ok, mostly the kind of thing a normal non beautiful people dating site would want you to answer.

  • Details. Like: country, state, city, address, cell phone number, etc.

Obviously not answering those beyond state. Cause, creepy.  Now we get into the open answer questions.

  • Profile description? This would be where you insert your cleverness, I suppose. And explain why you’re on a dating website that allows ‘married’ as a relationship status.
  • International text? There is no explanation of what they mean by that. At all. Just those words and an empty box.

This is all very bizarre. I’m going to delve into the photos of local beautiful people. If I find anything fascinating, I’ll (of course) post immediately. Because really, what else do I have to do.

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fear of flying

I have one. The recent explosion and changes in security have not at all lessened it. It’s not particularly funny, really, but you know what is?

This tweet from The Bloggess.

The responses she got were bordering on legendary, but you’ll have to go read her blog to see them all. I want to talk about the phobia dictionary that she linked to.

Are you truly aware of how many named phobias there are? Enough people are afraid of symmetry for it to have it’s own name (symmetrophobia, of course). Symmetry. What are you afraid of, if you’re afraid of symmetry? I mean, are you frightened of cars? Cars are quite symmetrical when viewed from the front. Computers? Denzel Washington, who purportedly has a perfectly symmetrical face?

Turns out there are also quite a few phobias that I didn’t realize I had until I knew there were names for them. Thanks, Phobia Dictionary, for teaching me that I have:

  • Taeniophobia, Teniophobia – Fear of tapeworms.
  • Spheksophobia – Fear of wasps.

In my defense, is there anyone out there who is all ‘oooo wasps and tapeworms come crawl all over me’? I’m leaning towards no. (The oooo was supposed to represent a happy gosh-I-love-these-creepy-crawlies voice, not a sex voice. Because I’m pretty sure that’s a different thing all together.)

  • Spacephobia – Fear of outer space.

Sadly, this is true. I’m pretty sure that if you put me into space my mental capabilities would just shut right down and I’d die.

  • Scelerophibia – Fear of bad men, burglars.

I’m fine with bad women, although not women burglars. Apparently I’m not alone.

  • Rhytiphobia – Fear of getting wrinkles.

BeautifulPeople.com definitely wouldn’t let me in.

  • Rhabdophobia – Fear of being severely punished or beaten with a rod, or of being severely criticized.

Blame this one on Roald Dahl’s Boy: Tales from Childhood.

  • Quadraphobia – Fear of quartets or of being drawn and quartered.

The quartet part, obviously. Who is afraid of being drawn and quartered anymore? And have you seen those little hats that barbershop quartets wear?

Shudder.

  • Obesophobia, Pocrescophobia – Fear of gaining weight.

I’m a red blooded American female. Cut me some slack.

  • Nucleomituphobia – Fear of nuclear weapons.

This one should just be called ‘being smart’.

  • Nihilophobia – Fear of (absolutely) nothing.
  • Fearaphobia, Fearophobia – fear of developing fears.

Give these two some thought – if you don’t get caught in a fear spiral of epic proportions, I’ll eat that guy above’s barbershop hat.

  • Luiphobia, Syphilophobia – Fear of syphilis.
  • Homichlophobia, Nebulaphobia – Fear of fog.

The syphilis fear can be traced directly back to that one episode of Grey’s Anatomy, and the fog fear to Stephen King’s The Mist. This may or may not be an indication that my pop culture consumption level is a leeeeettle high.

  • Cholerophobia – Fear of anger or the fear of cholera.

Fortunately, I’m scared of both being yelled at AND cholera. Win-win.

  • Automatonophobia – Fear of any inanimate object that represents a sentient being, eg. statues, dummies, robots, etc.

See: uncanny valley. Ick.

There you have it. Fifteen fears I didn’t realize I had until the Phobia Dictionary helped me put a name to them. Thanks, Phobia Dictionary!

I’m going home to hide under my bed.

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Best of the Naughties

First of all, how hilarious is it to call the recently departed decade the Naughties? I picked it up from Jezebel and Slate (I think) and I find it giggle inducing every time I say it.

Naughties. Giggle.

This decade was a whopper for me personally. Of course, it was one of only three that I’ve been alive and one of two that I’ve been a functioning member of society (i.e. having an age that’s in the double digits), so it wasn’t hard for it to be significant. I finished college, went to pastry school, went through several careers, fell in and out of love with a few men (in once more than out, fortunately), became the proud mama of two fabulous dogs, bought a house, and got three tattoos. I wholeheartedly adopted blogging, painting, twitter, compulsive furniture rearranging, orchids, vegetarianism, veganism (temporarily), and running. I made friends, lost friends, my brother moved away, my dad moved away and came back, my parents got divorced, and I gained and lost thirty pounds. As I said, a whopper.

However, turns out it’s near to impossible to remember tens years worth of movies and books. Here goes nothing – if I forget something incredible or critical or not-to-be-forgotten, remind me. That’s what the comments are for.

Movies

– There are so many reasons this movie stuck with me. 1) Michelle Rodriguez. She is hot and strong and I’ve been madly in love with her since long before her turn on Lost. 2) The naughties (giggle) were the decade of my slow birth as a feminist, and this movie was a large part of what kicked that off. 3) Punching. Lots of punching.

– Have you seen this? You see how Rose McGowan’s leg has been replaced by a machine gun? You see the big skull and crossbones on the hood of that car? Are you going to go out and rent it RIGHT NOW? What if I told you that the incredible Zoe Bell, who did Uma Thurman’s stunts in Kill Bill, played herself and did a whole scene where she rides on the hood of a car for fun? For FUN! Go rent it. I’m not even kidding. If you trust me, go buy it. You won’t be sorry. Do you need a little more encouragement? Ok, here is just one of many fake trailers that are included.

– Fine, maybe Slither isn’t technically a ‘good’ movie. You know what though? It’s the closest the naughties (giggle) came to a new Tremors, and Tremors is my favorite movie of all time. Of. All. Time. Shut UP. Also – Nathan Fillion, lookin all hot. As per usual.

TV

I’m going with three different categories here. First, best overall new show. Second, best single episode. Third, best character added in the naughties (giggle). Doesn’t that sound all sensible? I’m nothing if not sensible. Sensible sensible. Sensible. Ha.

Best New Show

– Ah Grey’s, how I love thee. With your extremely attractive doctors and your best-tv-relationship-EVER (Meredith and Derek, like I need to say it). With your story lines that made me skip everything on Thursday nights – dates, parties, classes, audiences with the pope, whatever. Please, never stop. Ever.

Best Single Episode

– Yeah yeah yeah I’m a gigantic geek. I’ve dealt with it. The musical episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer was fan-fucking-tastic and there are an entire posse of geeks out there that agree with me. See?

Best New Character

– YesfineI’mmorethanmildlyobsessedwithJossWhedoncanwemoveon? Winifred Burkle, from Angel. While Angel officially spun off from Buffy in 99, Fred wasn’t saved from her otherworldly cave of insanity until 2001 so this totally counts. Fred is neurotic and genius and pretty much the anti-Cordelia. If you don’t know who Cordelia is… well, I don’t know where to start. No, really. Just believe me when I say Fred is the girl every smart girl wants to be.

Online

– This was the decade of the mocking website. This Is Why You’re Fat, Cake Wrecks, Fuck You Penguin, Your Tattoo Sucks, Hot Chicks with Douchebags, Fail Blog – people, you have made meanness into an art. This was also, of course, the decade of LOLspeak – but we won’t talk about that.

– Emmanation.wordpress.com started in 2007 (sort of). I don’t know if you guys are reading that shit, but MAN it’s hilarious and insightful and just plain magical. You should go check it out.

Books

I’m sorry, loves, but this one is impossible. I have probably read upwards of 1000 books in the last ten years, and I cannot pick favorites. That’s like asking me to pick my favorite breath or my favorite strand of hair. Just not gonna happen. (Because I love breathing and I love my hair, get it? I am SO funny that sometimes I feel like I have to explain my funny. Just in case it was too funny.)

Social Phenomena

I’m not going to mention Myspace or Facebook or Twitter or Napster (because I never used Napster of course – hear me, FCC?). Partially because drrr, and partially because I’d like to look back on this ten years from now and not be mortified.

Speaking of mortification:

– I was in a band. We were called The Take. I wore skirts (what you’re seeing is the longest of my onstage skirts by several inches, in deference to the fact that it was like -2 the night we played at the Larimer Lounge) and Cons and sang songs with titles like Disease of Our Youth and thought I was the sexiest thing with a microphone. Because I was. Obviously.

This is normally where I’d segue into the people of the naughties (giggle) but I have a LOT of candidates – real life, celebs, four legged, etc. Therefore, I’m moving that to it’s very own post. Tomorrow, dear readers.

I hope that you enjoyed the naughties (giggle) as much as I obviously did.

My cold and I are going roller skating.

Muah.

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Best of 2009

I have a list of naughties bests that I’m working on, but it’s still in a little bit of flux, so I’m going to save it for when I’m done with this one.

Remember last year, when I did a best of 2008 post? That was fun, let’s do it again!  (Also, if you’ve been reading my blog for a year, bless you, I love you, many many smooches I am bestowing upon you.)

Movies

-The movie club started this year! We reviewed sooo many truly horrific movies, I’m not even going to list them all.

– I loved Coraline more than …. well, definitely more than the six year old that was in the theater with us at 9 on a Sunday night. The six year old that cried to his grandparents that he wanted to leave RIGHT NOW early in the film, and was told to wait it out because Coraline would win in the end. The same six year old that literally made a break for it when Bad Mommy turned into Bad Spider Mommy. I definitely loved it more than that kid, for sure.

TV

What’s that, Nathan Fillion? You’d like to sweep me off to a tropical island for a beach wedding and an eternity of happily ever after? Hm…let me thinkabou-Ok. Let’s go. No, of course I don’t need to pack anything, we won’t be wearing clothes. Obviously. Where’s the limo?

Online

-For me, this has been the year of discovering other bloggers. Temerity Jane, Aunt Becky and The Bloggess are my personal favorites for both their hilarity and their ability to whine about being sick with a frequency and enthusiasm that puts mine to shame.

Books

-It has been an AWESOME year for books, especially compared to last year. My two favorites were:

Social Phenomena

Yes, I am in enormous buckets full of love, thank you for asking.

-I’m a Rocky Mountain Rollergirl! I heard through the insanely frequently updated yahoo user group that one of the newbies has already passed her skills test… the gauntlet has been thrown. 2009 will forever be the year I started roller derby.

People

Maida is people, shut UP.

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I’m going a milking, sir, she said

I am hereby retracting every item on the Christmas list I previously distributed and replacing them all with this:

Fuck yes Stiletto Spy School!  I DO have a daring, confident, gorgeous secret agent inside me, and I absolutely need to go to New York to learn how to let her out. I’m fairly sure her name is Ekaterina, although I suppose I won’t know for sure until I meet her.

When someone awesomely signs me up for this class, I will learn:

  • Threat elimination

This is clearly code for killing someone.  I love that they put it first on the list – ‘we’re not fucking around here, sisters’.

  • Martini Mixology

A crucial female spy skill. No one ever suspects the bartender.

  • Awareness training and breath control

…. for when you’re supporting yourself on the ceiling and the bad guy is directly below you. If he hears you breathe, you’re kaput. This class is apparently taught by ‘a master of ancient Russian martial arts’. I was not aware that the Russians had martial arts, but I’m in.

  • Seduction and flirtation

Pshaw – like I need any help in these categories. See also: Modesty.

  • Wine pairing

This one sounds like a business skill snuck into spy school. “Bring the perfect wine to your next dinner party, have more confidence when perusing the wine list at restaurants, and end the worry of wondering if you chose the right wine when entertaining.” I know for a fact that spies don’t entertain, because that would involve giving out the address to the batcave. (Yes, I’m aware I’m now mixing spies and superheroes. I don’t care – Ekaterina is both.)

  • Perfect poker skills

My-my-my-my-my-my-my poker face….Sorry, where was I? Oh right, poker. This class will obviously consist of two key recommendations. First, tell the waitress that when you ask for a vodka tonic you’d really just like club soda. Second, create and bare as much cleavage as possible. Then just let your opponents hand you their money.

  • Sizzling Argentine tango

Which is different from the regular tango that one would find in Argentina. Probably.

  • Etiquette

This I could use. Really. I eat with my elbows on the table, for heavens sake.

  • “McGuyver” survival skills

I’m not sure why they felt it was necessary to put “McGuyver” in quotes. I realize they probably will not actually have McGuyver teaching us (not in the least because he’s fictional), but they’re probably also not going to give us “perfect” poker skills. Also – McGuyver survival skills. Hellooooo best class ever.

  • Extreme stunt driving

I might have to sit this one out. I am not a good driver, and teaching me how to drive in a more extreme manner would likely not help.

  • Knife fighting skills

Yes please. This will also help when I end up in a horror movie (see yesterday’s post).

  • Salon time

I love that they put this in here. I can just picture the trainers thinking…. ok, knife skills – check, poker skills – check, ability to rappel down a building using nothing but floss and paper clips – check. Now let’s make sure they know how to look damn hot while they do it. Because that’s how Stiletto Spies roll.

  • Full firearms and SWAT team training

Do I even need to comment?

  • Orienteering and navigating

Not only will this come in handy when the boy and I go bareback boating (am I saying that right? Sounds kind of dirty. I mean when you rent a boat and don’t take any professional crew.), I’m sure it will help when I’m kidnapped by an international megacorp owner after I discover the location of his secret lair by tricking him into thinking I’m the girl of his dreams. He’ll take me out on a boat with the intention of feeding me to sharks, but I’ll fashion an escape boat out of floss and paper clips (what, that’s all I have in my purse) and land on an island and then hike across the woods for several days, sleeping in a tent made out of floss and paper clips, and then report him to the proper authorities. And then have a glass of champagne.

There happens to be a class the weekend of my birthday. You know, just sayin.

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