Category Archives: girl geek

exciting news (and whoops)

I’m moving!

emma-nation.com is MINE… ALL MINE. Bwaahhahhahahah.

However, in attempting to move all of my existing content there, I seem to have doubled it up here. Whoops. Sorry about that.

Anyway, come visit me over there please!

Love, Emma

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Really, Apple? Really?

There are so many neat features about this tablet. It’s a good size for web browsing, the depth of screen shown in the pic above is actually (in my opinion) preferable to the flat grey of the Kindle, and hell, apparently it’s only $500. If, of course, you only want Wi-Fi and 16 GB.

I know there are some people out there who do not particularly approve, but I actually sort of wish I hadn’t bought my little netbook six months ago.

Not that my netbook isn't also sized to be quite portable.

I’m not going to buy one, though. You know why, Apple?

You named it the iPad.

Do you have no women on your marketing team? I am not the only person that immediately thought:

See?

Come on, people. The iPod was fine – cute, even. The iPhone made perfect sense. What’s wrong with iTab? iBook? iAnythingThatIsn’tPeriodRelated?

Of course, there are the folks that disagree with my assessment.

This post kicked off a very angry conversation with Chewbacca.

Chewbacca: your fb post made Chewbacca  very angry.

emma: the iPad one?

Chewbacca: yes. You are widening the gap between men and women so we will not get along with each other

Chewbacca: or attempting to.

Chewbacca: it is really mean

emma: it’s not me

emma: it’s Apple naming it the iPad

Chewbacca: no. its that you have no other thought than to associate to “girl power”

Chewbacca: what other words isn’t apple allowed to use?

emma: i’m just sayin it’s bad marketing

Chewbacca: I am not sure I am gonna let my wife hang out with you anymore.

emma: ha

Chewbacca: until you show signs of supporting the opposite sex as much or more than your own.

emma: more, huh?

Chewbacca: well you have dug yourself quite a hole to get out of…..missy

There you go. Not only is the iPad an awesome little tablet thingy, it’s name is going to be the last straw in the battle of the sexes.

Really, Apple?

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Filed under girl geek, I have a pop culture problem, I think I'm funny, other people are sometimes funny too, really? REALLY?

odds and ends held together with safety pins

On Sunday the boy and I had a fight. A knock down drag out thisclose to running into each other in the street six months from now and shooting each other dirty looks fight.

We got through it ok because we’re both just so darn lovable  (at least I think so – once he sees that I talked about it here that may no longer be the case) but it left me with some dangling thoughts. Thoughts which, like everything else in life, can be tied to Twitter.

Have you seen @NeedyGirlfriend and @AloofBoyfriend?

I have no idea who these people are. I have a sneaking suspicion that they and their entourage are actually one person, acting out a soap opera via twitter.

Needy Girlfriend tweets exactly what you’d expect a girl of that name to tweet.

  • The hilarious: Sometimes you don’t make me feel like a Disney princess, and I really resent that.
  • The cliché but still funny: Time for a Sex and the City marathon! Every woman in the world is a Charlotte. Am I right, girls? Good night!
  • The truly just amazingly sophomoric: If I had a genie in a bottle I’d wish that every other girl on Earth was less pretty than me and also fatter.

Aloof Boyfriend is who the word douchebag was originally developed for.

  • The backhand: Wow, you’re beautiful when you sleep. And quiet.
  • The mean: You’re wearing that? I mean… you’re wearing that.
  • The meaner: Date Night Sux
  • The misogynistic: You need tampons now? Like, now now? Can’t you just hold it in until the morning?

Basically, NeedyGirlfriend just wants to get married, and AloofBoyfriend doesn’t even like her very much. They live together down the hall from

@GuyDownTheHall, who is completely smitten with…. well, both of them, it seems.

  • The I’m secretly in love with you: @needygirlfriend Let me know when you’re ready to go to that bridal store. Gotta check out the tux section, need your input!
  • The pleaseplease be my friend… please?: @aloofboyfriend Beerpocalypse is Nigh! Behold a Pale Ale!

Since they started (just a few days ago) they’ve added four more characters.

@TheBlackFriend is… well, the black friend.  He goes back and forth from mocking racial profiling to actively participating in it.

  • The haha you’re so racist: When I’m spoken to using awkward slang & “street” vernacular it makes me feel comforted. Like you see the “inner” me…
  • The well I am black: I woke up this morning w/ the strangest urge to freestyle battle rap…or dance…or something “battle-like” involving soul…

@ClicheStoner is actually kind of hilarious.

  • The wise words followed by complete stonedness: @NeedyGirlfriend maybe you just need to spend time getting to know yourself. Wait.I blacked out. FAMILY GUY!!
  • The just plain stonedness: If Super Mario was a person he would be my best friend and we could solve mysteries 1. Who staged moon landing? 2. Where is remote control?

The remaining two new characters are @ThePerfectSis, who is married with a genius son, and @OvrBearingMthr. From encouraging eating disorders to encouraging alcoholism, these two are the kind of family we wish we all had.

  • The overbearing mother says: Sometimes I feel like a bad mother but then I feel better when I remember at least one of my daughters is married. And at least one of them is naturally thin.
  • The perfect sister says: Come watch me cook dinner for tonight. I have your favorite waiting: 3 bottles of whatever wine has the highest alcohol %.

This may not be the first time a troupe of fictional characters acted out what is essentially a twitter play, but it’s the first time I’ve been aware of it. I’ve been following for a couple of days, and while it makes me laugh, I’m not nuts about the fact that it’s all built around a wedding crazed girl. There was a Mexican friend for a little while, but I can find no mention of him now – too far, perhaps?

If you want to read the entire ‘twitcom’, you can find it here.

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the beautiful people

I’m IN. Holy crap. Yes, darlings, enough men found my picture acceptable to get me through the fabled golden gates of beautifulpeople.com, the website that recently kicked out 5000 folks for “too much holiday weight gain”. I’m practicing my investigative journalism skills since my skills as a restaurant reviewer are clearly lacking.

Ok, first things first, they would like me to create a profile. The things they want to know are very very specific.

  • Car owner? Yes/No
  • Smoker? Yes/No
  • Hair color? Drop down list of every hair color you can think of, including bald.
  • Eye color? All, including ‘other’. What color isn’t green, hazel, blue, dark blue, grey, brown, dark brown, or light brown? Do people have purple eyes? Yellow? Are Jacob the werewolf’s eyes yellow?
  • Weight in lbs? Again, an available drop down menu. Highest possible range: 260-264. Lowest possible range: 40-44. Apparently they accept kindergarteners.
  • Height in feet? 2 inch increments from 4’11” to 6″11.  I’m an inch and a half from being forced to lie.
  • Body type? Choices: slim, average, toned, athletic, muscular, cuddly, ample. I like that they stuck ample in there, but apparently you’re only allowed to be ample up to 264 pounds.
  • Relationship status? Choices: single, married, not specified, or in a relationship. Classy, beautifulpeople.com.

Thus far, I’m telling the truth in all of these questions.

  • Education? Level of degree.
  • Job title? Open answer. I said blogger. I’m giving them every chance to discover my undercover identity, here.
  • Job description? I figure blogger pretty much covers it.

Ok, mostly the kind of thing a normal non beautiful people dating site would want you to answer.

  • Details. Like: country, state, city, address, cell phone number, etc.

Obviously not answering those beyond state. Cause, creepy.  Now we get into the open answer questions.

  • Profile description? This would be where you insert your cleverness, I suppose. And explain why you’re on a dating website that allows ‘married’ as a relationship status.
  • International text? There is no explanation of what they mean by that. At all. Just those words and an empty box.

This is all very bizarre. I’m going to delve into the photos of local beautiful people. If I find anything fascinating, I’ll (of course) post immediately. Because really, what else do I have to do.

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Filed under girl geek, I have a pop culture problem, it's hard being this beautiful, turns out I'm a feminist

I’m just going to apologize in advance

I downloaded Picasa a couple of days ago to organize the 17 kajillion pictures that I’ve collected since I left college. Picasa has this truly magical facial recognition algorithm that pretty much blows my mind.

For example, it recognized both of these pictures as me.

Yeah I was wicked hot in college. No, you cannot go back and ask college Emma for her phone number, as tempting as that sounds. No, I was not stoned - this is just how I looked. No, I no longer wear blue eye shadow and cannot for the life of me remember why I thought it was a good idea.

Modeling my handmade princess necklace from the street faire last summer. Yes, that's really how they spell faire. No, I have no idea why.

Of course, it also thought this was me.

Yeah, it's not. One would hope the beard would be a giveaway. Not that the tiniest sprinter isn't a handsome fellow, of course, and you do have to give them points for recognizing the family resemblance.

So yeah, that one kind of makes sense. This one, though….

My uncle Jeff. Not, as far as I've ever noticed, looking much like me.

To summarize, Picasa’s facial recognition algorithms are both magical and occasionally kind of insulting.

It has, however, helped me locate every single picture of my dear girls.

Could they be any more adorable? That's a rhetorical question, of course.

This is where the apology in the title line comes in. Maida, the one on the right, currently smells like something crawled into her stomach and died. If I could swap her for the non-stinky version I remember from that picture, I would do it in a split second.

I have been so lucky with Cloey these past eight years, but I think it might be time to call a vet and find out what the whole anal gland squeezing is about. Yeah, I just said anal, gland, and squeezing in one sentence.

Again, I apologize.

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Filed under girl geek, it's hard being this beautiful, the people I love

I'm just going to apologize in advance

I downloaded Picasa a couple of days ago to organize the 17 kajillion pictures that I’ve collected since I left college. Picasa has this truly magical facial recognition algorithm that pretty much blows my mind.

For example, it recognized both of these pictures as me.

Yeah I was wicked hot in college. No, you cannot go back and ask college Emma for her phone number, as tempting as that sounds. No, I was not stoned - this is just how I looked. No, I no longer wear blue eye shadow and cannot for the life of me remember why I thought it was a good idea.

Modeling my handmade princess necklace from the street faire last summer. Yes, that's really how they spell faire. No, I have no idea why.

Of course, it also thought this was me.

Yeah, it's not. One would hope the beard would be a giveaway. Not that the tiniest sprinter isn't a handsome fellow, of course, and you do have to give them points for recognizing the family resemblance.

So yeah, that one kind of makes sense. This one, though….

My uncle Jeff. Not, as far as I've ever noticed, looking much like me.

To summarize, Picasa’s facial recognition algorithms are both magical and occasionally kind of insulting.

It has, however, helped me locate every single picture of my dear girls.

Could they be any more adorable? That's a rhetorical question, of course.

This is where the apology in the title line comes in. Maida, the one on the right, currently smells like something crawled into her stomach and died. If I could swap her for the non-stinky version I remember from that picture, I would do it in a split second.

I have been so lucky with Cloey these past eight years, but I think it might be time to call a vet and find out what the whole anal gland squeezing is about. Yeah, I just said anal, gland, and squeezing in one sentence.

Again, I apologize.

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Filed under girl geek, it's hard being this beautiful, the people I love

Best of the Naughties

First of all, how hilarious is it to call the recently departed decade the Naughties? I picked it up from Jezebel and Slate (I think) and I find it giggle inducing every time I say it.

Naughties. Giggle.

This decade was a whopper for me personally. Of course, it was one of only three that I’ve been alive and one of two that I’ve been a functioning member of society (i.e. having an age that’s in the double digits), so it wasn’t hard for it to be significant. I finished college, went to pastry school, went through several careers, fell in and out of love with a few men (in once more than out, fortunately), became the proud mama of two fabulous dogs, bought a house, and got three tattoos. I wholeheartedly adopted blogging, painting, twitter, compulsive furniture rearranging, orchids, vegetarianism, veganism (temporarily), and running. I made friends, lost friends, my brother moved away, my dad moved away and came back, my parents got divorced, and I gained and lost thirty pounds. As I said, a whopper.

However, turns out it’s near to impossible to remember tens years worth of movies and books. Here goes nothing – if I forget something incredible or critical or not-to-be-forgotten, remind me. That’s what the comments are for.

Movies

– There are so many reasons this movie stuck with me. 1) Michelle Rodriguez. She is hot and strong and I’ve been madly in love with her since long before her turn on Lost. 2) The naughties (giggle) were the decade of my slow birth as a feminist, and this movie was a large part of what kicked that off. 3) Punching. Lots of punching.

– Have you seen this? You see how Rose McGowan’s leg has been replaced by a machine gun? You see the big skull and crossbones on the hood of that car? Are you going to go out and rent it RIGHT NOW? What if I told you that the incredible Zoe Bell, who did Uma Thurman’s stunts in Kill Bill, played herself and did a whole scene where she rides on the hood of a car for fun? For FUN! Go rent it. I’m not even kidding. If you trust me, go buy it. You won’t be sorry. Do you need a little more encouragement? Ok, here is just one of many fake trailers that are included.

– Fine, maybe Slither isn’t technically a ‘good’ movie. You know what though? It’s the closest the naughties (giggle) came to a new Tremors, and Tremors is my favorite movie of all time. Of. All. Time. Shut UP. Also – Nathan Fillion, lookin all hot. As per usual.

TV

I’m going with three different categories here. First, best overall new show. Second, best single episode. Third, best character added in the naughties (giggle). Doesn’t that sound all sensible? I’m nothing if not sensible. Sensible sensible. Sensible. Ha.

Best New Show

– Ah Grey’s, how I love thee. With your extremely attractive doctors and your best-tv-relationship-EVER (Meredith and Derek, like I need to say it). With your story lines that made me skip everything on Thursday nights – dates, parties, classes, audiences with the pope, whatever. Please, never stop. Ever.

Best Single Episode

– Yeah yeah yeah I’m a gigantic geek. I’ve dealt with it. The musical episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer was fan-fucking-tastic and there are an entire posse of geeks out there that agree with me. See?

Best New Character

– YesfineI’mmorethanmildlyobsessedwithJossWhedoncanwemoveon? Winifred Burkle, from Angel. While Angel officially spun off from Buffy in 99, Fred wasn’t saved from her otherworldly cave of insanity until 2001 so this totally counts. Fred is neurotic and genius and pretty much the anti-Cordelia. If you don’t know who Cordelia is… well, I don’t know where to start. No, really. Just believe me when I say Fred is the girl every smart girl wants to be.

Online

– This was the decade of the mocking website. This Is Why You’re Fat, Cake Wrecks, Fuck You Penguin, Your Tattoo Sucks, Hot Chicks with Douchebags, Fail Blog – people, you have made meanness into an art. This was also, of course, the decade of LOLspeak – but we won’t talk about that.

– Emmanation.wordpress.com started in 2007 (sort of). I don’t know if you guys are reading that shit, but MAN it’s hilarious and insightful and just plain magical. You should go check it out.

Books

I’m sorry, loves, but this one is impossible. I have probably read upwards of 1000 books in the last ten years, and I cannot pick favorites. That’s like asking me to pick my favorite breath or my favorite strand of hair. Just not gonna happen. (Because I love breathing and I love my hair, get it? I am SO funny that sometimes I feel like I have to explain my funny. Just in case it was too funny.)

Social Phenomena

I’m not going to mention Myspace or Facebook or Twitter or Napster (because I never used Napster of course – hear me, FCC?). Partially because drrr, and partially because I’d like to look back on this ten years from now and not be mortified.

Speaking of mortification:

– I was in a band. We were called The Take. I wore skirts (what you’re seeing is the longest of my onstage skirts by several inches, in deference to the fact that it was like -2 the night we played at the Larimer Lounge) and Cons and sang songs with titles like Disease of Our Youth and thought I was the sexiest thing with a microphone. Because I was. Obviously.

This is normally where I’d segue into the people of the naughties (giggle) but I have a LOT of candidates – real life, celebs, four legged, etc. Therefore, I’m moving that to it’s very own post. Tomorrow, dear readers.

I hope that you enjoyed the naughties (giggle) as much as I obviously did.

My cold and I are going roller skating.

Muah.

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Filed under girl geek, I have a pop culture problem, I make lists, it's all about me, sunday best, the people I love, things I think are pretty, turns out I'm a feminist