I can’t listen baby about the fourth time you were a lady

Sometimes, I like to talk about what I want to be when I grow up, and sometimes, I like to talk about boobies.

Sadly, Australia has taken one career option away from me, and it is in fact because of my breast size.

You know how our movies here are rated by the MPAA, and they sometimes make wacky decisions. Turns out the Australian version, the Australian Classification Board, has been known to do that too. They have a series of ratings just like us: G, PG, M for mature, R (restricted to 18 and over), X, and RC. RC means Refused Classification, and it is illegal to sell material rated RC. These ratings apply to published material as well as movies, unlike here.

The National Classification Code uses this criteria to determine if a publication should be rated RC.

Publications that:

(a)  describe, depict, express or otherwise deal with matters of sex, drug misuse or addiction, crime, cruelty, violence or revolting or abhorrent phenomena in such a way that they offend against the standards of morality, decency and propriety generally accepted by reasonable adults to the extent that they should not be classified; or

(b) describe or depict in a way that is likely to cause offence to a reasonable adult, a person who is, or appears to be, a child under 18 (whether the person is engaged in sexual activity or not); or

(c)  promote, incite or instruct in matters of crime or violence

A) Ok, fine. Don’t make the average person want to simultaneously cry and throw up.

C) Definitely. Violence = bad.

B) The part to note specifically here is ‘a person who is, or appears to be, a child under 18‘.

Lest you think I’m overreacting (something I’ve been accused of a lot lately thankyouvermuchmovieclubcough), this isn’t just theoretical. Several issues of Hustler have been rated RC and therefore removed from the shelves – strictly because of the breast size of the models. Apparently, if your breasts are too small, you appear to be under 18.

There are so many things wrong with that, I don’t even know where to start. First of all, Hustler is published in America and we are pretty freaking careful about making sure our porno models are over 18.  That makes it clear that they really are enforcing the ‘appears to be’ part of that statement. Second of all, WHAT? Really, Australia? If I came there to be a porn model I’d be screwed. Admittedly it had never occurred to me, but I HATE being told I can’t do things and now you’re pissing me off. I’m 29 years old, Australia. 29.

The goal here may have been because of the concern that images that appear to be of younger individuals could incite/excite pedophiles. I’m sure there are images that do do that, and it makes my heart hurt. This, however, seems to be the equivalent of banning people with French accents from American television because you’re worried it will incite Francophobes to violence.

Not cool, Australia.

Go have a Fosters and think this over.