I am hereby retracting every item on the Christmas list I previously distributed and replacing them all with this:
Fuck yes Stiletto Spy School! I DO have a daring, confident, gorgeous secret agent inside me, and I absolutely need to go to New York to learn how to let her out. I’m fairly sure her name is Ekaterina, although I suppose I won’t know for sure until I meet her.
When someone awesomely signs me up for this class, I will learn:
- Threat elimination
This is clearly code for killing someone. I love that they put it first on the list – ‘we’re not fucking around here, sisters’.
- Martini Mixology
A crucial female spy skill. No one ever suspects the bartender.
- Awareness training and breath control
…. for when you’re supporting yourself on the ceiling and the bad guy is directly below you. If he hears you breathe, you’re kaput. This class is apparently taught by ‘a master of ancient Russian martial arts’. I was not aware that the Russians had martial arts, but I’m in.
- Seduction and flirtation
Pshaw – like I need any help in these categories. See also: Modesty.
- Wine pairing
This one sounds like a business skill snuck into spy school. “Bring the perfect wine to your next dinner party, have more confidence when perusing the wine list at restaurants, and end the worry of wondering if you chose the right wine when entertaining.” I know for a fact that spies don’t entertain, because that would involve giving out the address to the batcave. (Yes, I’m aware I’m now mixing spies and superheroes. I don’t care – Ekaterina is both.)
- Perfect poker skills
My-my-my-my-my-my-my poker face….Sorry, where was I? Oh right, poker. This class will obviously consist of two key recommendations. First, tell the waitress that when you ask for a vodka tonic you’d really just like club soda. Second, create and bare as much cleavage as possible. Then just let your opponents hand you their money.
- Sizzling Argentine tango
Which is different from the regular tango that one would find in Argentina. Probably.
This I could use. Really. I eat with my elbows on the table, for heavens sake.
- “McGuyver” survival skills
I’m not sure why they felt it was necessary to put “McGuyver” in quotes. I realize they probably will not actually have McGuyver teaching us (not in the least because he’s fictional), but they’re probably also not going to give us “perfect” poker skills. Also – McGuyver survival skills. Hellooooo best class ever.
- Extreme stunt driving
I might have to sit this one out. I am not a good driver, and teaching me how to drive in a more extreme manner would likely not help.
- Knife fighting skills
Yes please. This will also help when I end up in a horror movie (see yesterday’s post).
- Salon time
I love that they put this in here. I can just picture the trainers thinking…. ok, knife skills – check, poker skills – check, ability to rappel down a building using nothing but floss and paper clips – check. Now let’s make sure they know how to look damn hot while they do it. Because that’s how Stiletto Spies roll.
- Full firearms and SWAT team training
Do I even need to comment?
- Orienteering and navigating
Not only will this come in handy when the boy and I go bareback boating (am I saying that right? Sounds kind of dirty. I mean when you rent a boat and don’t take any professional crew.), I’m sure it will help when I’m kidnapped by an international megacorp owner after I discover the location of his secret lair by tricking him into thinking I’m the girl of his dreams. He’ll take me out on a boat with the intention of feeding me to sharks, but I’ll fashion an escape boat out of floss and paper clips (what, that’s all I have in my purse) and land on an island and then hike across the woods for several days, sleeping in a tent made out of floss and paper clips, and then report him to the proper authorities. And then have a glass of champagne.
There happens to be a class the weekend of my birthday. You know, just sayin.