It’s Final Girl Film Club time again!! In the spirit of full disclosure, I’ve seen the new Wicker Man and I hated it with a fiery, fiery passion. I think that Nicholas Cage should stick to Con Air sequels and leave the horror movies for… well, for anyone else, honestly. However, if Stacie Ponder says watch the old one, watch the old one I shall. If you’ve not read one of my movie reviews before, boy are you in for a treat – they don’t make any sense if you haven’t seen the movie, because I’m not going to explain the plot. Mostly because I’m lazy. What I will do is write down the things I think as I think them. Won’t that be lovely.
- Scotland? Really? As long as they didn’t make the dreaded NC do a Scottish accent, the new one certainly would have benefited from this scenery as opposed to the Children of the Corn setting it ended up with.
- Was that a palm tree? I clearly don’t know enough about Scottish horticulture – I would have put money on there being no palm trees.
- If it turns out the missing girl actually turned into a bunny rabbit (oh excuse me, a hare) and the Sergeant was told 10 minutes in, I’m going to hate this movie as much as the new one.
- The local restaurant/hotel owner makes me think of the Corky and the Juice Pigs song Eskimo. Also, he doesn’t seem to mind the lecherous drunkards dry humping his daughter. Classy.
- Nudity! Nudity everywhere, even in the graveyard! What kind of island is this?? One famous for it’s fruits and vegetables, I guess….. although what that has to do with nudity is a little unclear.
- Musical number. Also nude. With dancing. OH MY GOD – she’s doing the naked macarena. I’m not even kidding. And the Sergeant is finding it quite erotic, even from the other side of the wall.
- Another musical number – this time with some confusing imagery about men laying on women and then seeds turning into graves turning into trees. Awesome.
- Holy shit, the schoolteacher just totally spilled the beans. Not only is the missing girl real, she’s dead and buried in some sort of alternative churchyard. And in fact is now a hare or a tree or possibly both. And her umbilical cord is marking her grave. I bet there is a waiting list a mile long to move to this island.
- Toad sucking. That’s hot.
- There is far too much singing in this town. It’s like one big episode of Glee, except with more alternative religions and less high school.
- The lord (of … something – the island? the town? who knows) just explained that the singing teenage girls are naked because jumping through fire with your clothes on is just too darn dangerous. That seems reasonable to me and I’m starting to wonder why the Sergeant is being such a party pooper.
- I’m now desperately trying to decide whether I would prefer to carry the child of a god or the child of an acne scarred artisan. The former seems to come with a lot of responsibility… yeah, no jumping over bonfires for me. Since that’s apparently how gods get a girl pregnant. You know, the dangerous, non-pleasurable way.
- A hare in the missing-now-presumed-dead girl’s coffin in place of her body? Really? See thought #3.
- The Sergeant is consistently the sweatiest person in the room. Does being a fuddy duddy make you sweat? Possibly it’s related to the fact that he looks about 40 and he’s apparently saving himself for marriage. A virgin on this island would be seriously uncomfortable, and a 40 year old virgin is probably uncomfortable anywhere.
- WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON WITH THE PEOPLE IN THE ANIMAL MASKS. AHHHHH.
- Oh, the missing girl is going to be sacrificed. You know, to help the fruit grow. Obviously. I tried sacrificing a beer once, to help my strawberries grow, but they just turned brown. Possibly I shouldn’t have poured it directly onto them – I assume they’re not going to have that problem with the girl.
- I guess it figures that if you bust into every room in every house in town, you’ll come across one woman in a very small bathtub who touches herself while staring at you. The poor virgin Sergeant should have expected it.
- Apparently the masturbating woman and the searching were just too much for the poor old Sergeant. After all, the girl is just going to be killed sometime in the afternoon – plenty of time for a nap! That hand of glory should help with any kidnapping-sex-cult induced insomnia.
- The animal masks have stopped scaring me and are now just making me think of Furries. Probably not what the film maker was going for.
- Oh snap – taken in by a little girl, awkwardly washed with the hair of two blond women, marked with yellow paint, and forced to keep an appointment with the wicker man. An unfortunate end to what otherwise would have been a nice day – what with the lady in the bathtub and all.
Why on earth did someone find it necessary to remake this movie? It has its clumsy moments and quite a bit too much singing, sure, but all in all it’s beautiful and managed to make my heart beat faster at the end, even though I knew exactly what was coming. Wicker Man 1973 version, I love you and I’m just going to pretend I never even saw that silly silly 2006 version.
Emmanation rating: Pumpkin pie with homemade crust and Cool Whip.