Oprah is quitting. She’s been on the air for 25 years, and it literally never once occurred to me that at some point she would probably get tired of being on the air every freaking day. The woman has 70 bajillion dollars  and awesome dogs and a best friend who gets to go on the red carpet for reasons I don’t understand and a magazine… this is what we’re talking about when we say ‘building an Empire’. Fuck Bill Gates, dude – where’s his magazine?
She launched the careers of Bob Greene (mentioned on her cover above) and the far less deserving Dr. Phil – who has Donald Trump launched, huh? Where the hell are the winning Apprentices?
What on earth is she gong to do when she retires? I mean other than work on her mag and hang out with Gayle and just generally be awesome? I have some ideas befitting a woman of her stature and bankroll.
An Open Letter to Oprah:
I have rarely watched your show and have never read your magazine. Despite that, I love you and want you to be happy – therefore, I fully support your retirement. While I know you think you’ll be all relaxed, an woman of your energy and brains will likely get bored very quickly, so I put together a list of some things you can do to while away the lazy days.
- Go to Dubai and make an island shaped like the prince of Dubai’s head. Hire a team of gardeners to make plants grow out of it in funny places like his ears and nose.
- Buy out Rupert Murdoch. Run for governor of wherever the heck Rupert Murdoch lives, win, and institute a law saying that he must spend an hour a day in the stocks until he apologizes for Fox News.
- Stop dieting. You know you want to.
- Start another magazine called ‘PlayO’. Make it more like Filament than Playgirl.
- Smack some sense into Hugh Hefner – tell him those damn twins make fun of him behind his back and he is too freaking old to be getting up to those kind of shenanigans. He’ll take it from you. You’re Oprah.
- Invite yourself over to Tom Cruise’s house. Jump up and down on his couch to distract him while Katie and Suri sneak out the back door.
- Invest in the newest social media (you know, whatever comes after twitter). Insist that a capital O be somewhere in the name.
- Tell the tiniest sprinter that I’m Mom’s favorite. He’ll listen. You’re Oprah.
- Get Roller Derby into the Olympics. Because if anyone can, you can. Also, join roller derby. Have your derby name just be ‘Oprah’.
I have more, so if you’re interested, feel free to give me a call. I’m sure you can get my number – you’re Oprah.