You can’t catch me! (Thoughts while watching The Gingerdead Man)

First, I have something to get off my chest. The bakery where the Gingerdead Man is originally born is possibly the
worst bakery in the history of the world.
There are the simple baking issues. For example:
None of the racks of baked goods are covered.
The gingerbread dough is kneaded for like 20 minutes. Best case scenario, this is going to create a rock hard cookie that
anyone would be hard pressed to bite through. Worst case scenario, it’s going to turn into a reanimated serial killer.
Where the hell did she get that foot tall gingerbread man cookie cutter and why did she stay late to bake a single, rock-hard
(see above) gingerbread cookie? No one is going to buy that shit, honey. No wonder you’re not a particularly successful business.
More importantly, there are the HEALTH CODE issues.
An employee BLED in the spice mix. Um, hello?
That damn rat (planted by an enemy but still a freaking rat) just crawled around on every damn thing.
Someone was incinerated in the oven. Admittedly, I don’t know for sure that the health department frowns on that, but
I’m going to go out on a limb and assume that they do.
The cookies bleed when you bite them. Right. That’s not just a health code violation, it’s a violation of my humanity.
Whew. I feel so much better! Now onto the movie.

Movie club movie club movie club! As per ewzh, go check out what Sam, Dawn, and Andrew thought. Again, I watched this one alone, but I did receive a very nice offer from a reader to co-watch – unfortunately, I received it last night when I went to check if anyone had sent a contribution. Maybe next time.  If you watched it and want to review it, it’s not too late (for example, as of this writing none of the slackers above have posted their reviews). emmanationblog at gmail.com. Do it.

First, I have something to get off my chest. The bakery where the Gingerdead Man is originally born is possibly the worst bakery in the history of the world.

There are the simple baking issues. For example:

  • None of the racks of baked goods are covered.
  • The gingerbread dough is kneaded for like 20 minutes. Best case scenario, this is going to create a rock hard cookie that anyone would be hard pressed to bite through. Worst case scenario, it’s going to turn into a reanimated serial killer.
  • Where the hell did she get that foot tall gingerbread man cookie cutter and why did she stay late to bake a single, rock-hard (see above) gingerbread cookie? No one is going to buy that shit, honey. No wonder you’re not a particularly successful business.

More importantly, there are the HEALTH CODE issues.

  • An employee BLED in the spice mix. Which was actually cremated serial killer ashes. And then they used it to make cookies. Um, hello?
  • That damn rat (planted by an enemy but still a freaking rat) just crawled around on every damn thing.
  • Someone was incinerated in the oven. Admittedly, I don’t know for sure that the health department frowns on that, but I’m going to go out on a limb and assume that they do.
  • The cookies bleed when you bite them. Right. That’s not just a health code violation, it’s a violation of my humanity.

Whew. I feel so much better! Now onto the movie.

The Gingerdead Man 1 was sooo much better than I expected. The Gingerdead Man 2 includes the line ‘rise, haunted dildo’ in the first five minutes.

The original Gingerdead Man is based on the premise that Gary Busey kills a girl’s father and brother during a restaurant holdup, but mysterious spares her due to some conflicting advice he may or may not have once received from his mother. Once he realizes he’s about to be arrested, he tells the girl he’ll come back and get her… NO… MATTER… WHAT. I.e. when he’s dead.
Sarah, the not-murdered-for-reasons-that-are-unclear-girl, returns home to her bakery, her alcoholic mother, her trampy cute friend/cake decorator, and her hopes-to-be-a-pro-wrestler baking assistant. A crisis that will eventually befall all small town independent bakeries befalls our dear heroine, and a big chain bakery moves into town. She’s offered 50 grand to shut down by the owner said chain. Before she is able to weigh the pros and cons of selling out, however, Sarah recieves a shipment of unknown origin labeled merely ‘Gingerbread Man Spice Mix’. The person delivering it is wearing a hooded cape in Texas in the summer, but possibly that’s de rigeur for Belly Bakery delivery folks because it doesn’t phase Sarah at all. Even when immediately following the delivery, her cute lil assistant chick tells her that the killer was killed, cremated, and his ashes were delivered to his mother. Equally as acceptable, apparently, is that when Brick the baking assistant cuts his hand he bleeds into the spice mix. Yes, I bitched about it above but I do have to mention it again, cause bloody spice mix is nobody’s friend.
Turns out the mixture of blood and creepy hooded person delivered spice mix turns a regular old gingerbread man into a GingerDead Man. Who woulda thunk it? With the help of Lorna the-bitchy-weirdly-small-breasted-for-a-movie-like-this-blond and Amos the-unexpectedly-smart-and-considerate-local-hoolum, Sarah … sort of … defeats the returned only slightly more doughy Gary Busey.

I know that when I write it out like this, it probably doesn’t sound so appealing. However, there are two things you need to know. First, the acting is actually really quite good. With the exception of the cute/trashy assistant (whose name I didn’t catch, in case that hasn’t come across by now), everyone in the cast could be dropped into a major league blockbuster without a hitch. Second, it is emminently quoteable. I would like to give you some examples of said quotes, but rest assured they use the words ‘crazy’ or ‘fucking’ in conjunction with ‘poppin-fresh’ and ‘pillsbury doughboy’ just enough to be hilarious. Someone also utters the phrase

Now it’s time to meet your maker, prepare to face the butcher baker, for tonight your ass is toast.

I’ll leave you in suspense as to who it is, but rest assured you too will giggle uncontrollably.

Moving on. The Gingerdead Man 2: The Passion of the Crust is the worst movie we’ve watched since starting movie club, hands down. You know how when you’re watching porn, you think ‘wow this sucks – good thing there’s some nudity etc to distract me’? Yeah, me neither. But if I did know that feeling, that’s the feeling I would have been feeling while watching this movie… except there’s no NUDITY! Ok, that’s not strictly true, but there’s none anyone in their right mind would want to see. The nubile young virgin in the fake movie that the real movie is about is neither young, nubile, nor a virgin. The hot dude has Buffy-The-Vampire-Slayer style facial trauma. And as far as quotability goes, the best I got (0ther than the dildo line quoted above) is:

I just had rejuvenation surgery on my undercarriage.

and

You’re making my loaf rise.

Honestly. Grossness.

Emmanation rating:
GDM1: Coconut lime cupcakes slightly past their expiration date with mysterious red streaks you choose to ignore.
GDM2: Chocolate supermarket cupcakes in a dumpster with rats actively chewing on them.

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11 Comments

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11 responses to “You can’t catch me! (Thoughts while watching The Gingerdead Man)

  1. carl n.

    I’ve always been very proud of you…. but you missed your calling, you should have been a movie critic. Love ya – D

  2. JV

    Ahem. Uh, hi. I’m JV, one of Sam’s teammates. I called him to ask you a question–which, half-way through the phone call, I realized was reflective of my general maturity level: 4th grade. Speaking of which, I did not even read the post on which I’m “commenting,” but I did pause briefly to ogle the gold hotpants.
    Now that we’ve cleared that up, I need some expertise on ovens. We’re going to replace our electric with a gas stove sometime in the next few months. Need a 30″ one, which limits us a bit. My wife is an awesome cook, so I’d like to get a high quality stove, but I’m not sure which ones I should consider.
    I’d love to read your advice…..
    JVbiker at gmail
    Thanks!
    JV

    • emmanation

      Hi! I frequently communicate as a fourth grader too, so you’re fine on that front. I actually called Sam to see if he’d tell you what I’m about to write, but he opted to stay out of it.
      Anyway, wow do I have thoughts on stoves. I could go on for hours, but I probably only have two things to mention that you haven’t already thought of yourself (or maybe you have).
      1) Go with a gas range and an electric oven. Electric ovens are far more consistent in heating and easier to clean. Gas ranges are way way better for awesome chefs like your wife. For example, something awesome like this:
      http://products.geappliances.com/ApplProducts/Dispatcher?REQUEST=SpecPage&Sku=P2B912SEMSS
      2) Consider a vintage stove. They’re smaller and the ones that are still around are seriously well made. You can’t get them in the gas/electric combo, they’re almost all just gas, but some of them are so slick they’d be worth it. The best ones are from the 50s or late 40s.
      http://www.antiqueappliances.com/
      3) I feel so special that you asked, I feel like sending you some chocolate chip cookies that I made in my new oven. I probably won’t, but I feel like it.

  3. Emma, I felt exactly the opposite about these movies! HAMBURGER TIME TRAVELER DETECTIVE. So quotable.
    Anyway, I still enjoyed your review and look forward to your movie pick,
    -Dawn

  4. Pingback: movie club: the gingerdead man double feature « the tiniest sprinter

  5. sdraugelis

    Ummmm….so this WAS a porn? Or was not, but should have been? Oh, wait…thinking it through…a porn-slasher movie? Ugh. Cringe.

    • emmanation

      No… not porn. Well, there was sex, but it was mostly incidental and followed by or combined with violence. Yes, ugh, right??

  6. yesisaidyes

    Wow, you three are far better clubbers than I am. I keep getting distracted by crazy blogs while trying to watch and/or review the movies we choose. Once again, I didn’t get through the movies. In my defense, though, Sam did pick TWO movies and I watched the first one in its entirety. By “watch” I mean it was on my TV in the background while my jaw dropped reading Awsumb.com.

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