The following post was written between the hours of 8:30 and 10:30 pm last night.
So. I got to pick the very first movie for the movie club the tiniest sprinter and I started. As you may recall, I picked the awesome Buffy the Vampire Slayer.
It’s due today.
I don’t have the movie.
I very distinctly recall checking Netflix to make sure it was available to stream prior to choosing it, but that is no longer the case.
What is a girl to do? Give up? Make a last minute run to Blockbuster? Oh no – and not just because the DB and I have been planting flowers and indulging in Scotchy-snacks all afternoon. I will not give up and I will not go to Blockbuster. Instead, I will do something way more awesome.
I shall do my mea culpas to the tiniest sprinter, and watch Let the Right One In. Then, later this week, I will rent and review the movie I actually chose – ya know, for extra credit.
If you recall, this is a well reviewed vampire movie that was recently released. In Swedish. With subtitles. Did I mention the hours of physical labor in the sunshine and the liberal application of Scotchy-snacks? (Just prepping you for what may be a slightly nonsensical review.) As you may recall, my reviews are almost without exception in the form of lists, so prepare yourself for my ‘thoughts while watching a swedish vampire movie’.
Let the games begin.
- The first line is ‘squeal like a pig’. Followed, minutes later, by the phrase ‘squeal. squeal like a pig.’ Both uttered by a very pale blond child in his tighty whiteys. We’re off to a great start.
- The subtitles are switching from the top of the screen to the bottom. Just to confuse me, I’m pretty sure.
- A bully in school just poked the blond boy’s nose and oinked. There seems to be a pig theme. I’m wondering if this is cultural or specific to this movie. Anyone? Is talking about pigs and squealing a Swedish thing?
- The DB has switched to the hockey game. Not exactly conducive to the horror movie vibe.
- 9 minutes in – a dude just got ‘halothaned’, strung up from a tree, and had a funnel inserted into his jugular. I guess if you’re going to drain somebody’s blood, using butcher like methods is probably considerably more effective than sucking on their neck, yeah?
- It just occured to me that as this is a new movie, I may be spoiling it for readers. Trying to decide if I care…… nope. If you’re planning on seeing it, stop reading, go watch it, and then come back. K? K.
- Do you think most dogs would drink human blood if given the chance?
- Who HASN’T felt like stabbing a tree because it was staring at you, at one time or another?
- Little girl. Sandals and tee shirt, sleeps in a jungle gym – in Stockholm, in mid-winter. I personally would immediately assume vampire. Plus, she glows a little. Is the Twilight phenomenon THAT pervasive?
- I’m sort of lost. So is the DB. Are Europeans smarter than us? Or have we just had too many ss? (I’m tired of typing ‘scotchy-snacks’, and am too damn adorable to just type ‘scotch’.)
- This movie is full of tired, unhappy people. Boo.
- AHHHH. Creepy creepy little girl eyes. I do not know how else to explain it.
- Oskar (squeally boy) is learning morse code using an encyclopedia. Do they not have Wolfram Alphain Sweden? Are you wondering why he’s learning morse code? Yeah, me too. Oh! Spoke too soon. He’s teaching it to the little girl vampire who says that she’s ‘twelve, more or less’, because thier exceptionally depressing dormitory-like apartments are next to each other.
- “If you practice, you can make strong,” says the PE teacher. I’m having my doubts about the ability of the translators hired for this flick.
- How do cats and dogs always recognize vampires? Do they stink? Smell exxxtra plus awesome? Can they see the vampires sparkles better than us?
- Touching ‘visiting the estranged father’ interlude. Copmletely vampire free. Europeans are definitely more patient than Americans.
- Aww. Who puts someone’s pants in a urinal? Seriously? I can’t decide if I want the vampire chick to turn Oskar or put him out of his misery or kick the ass of his tormentors.
- If I was a vampire, I would be using my superhuman powers (flying, imperviousness to cold, etc) to be a super criminal. Much like Benny from Buffy the Vampire Slayer. <sigh>
- Naked twelve year olds in bed together. DEFINITELY not an American movie. I mean, Buffy (SMG, not KS) hooked up with Angel when she was 16 and he was 227, but there is a big difference between 12 and 16. I’m trying to remember what I would have done with a naked boy when I was twelve. Nothing much, I think – maybe some cootie accusations at most. These kids didn’t do much either, of course. I spose he’s just lucky that he wasn’t getting drained. (Of blood, I mean. Come on, perv.)
- ACID on FACE. BOOOO.
- Last week one of my fingers spontaneously bruised. It was weird, and based on the events of this movie, may imply that I’m turning into a vampire. Bummer. I’m taking the DB and the puppies with me if I go though. If sometime in the near future you’re approached by two adorable little dogs on the street and it’s after dark, you might want to walk in the opposite direction. Or, ya know, run.
- Short bathroom break. The DB is in the process of redoing his downstairs bathroom, and doesn’t have a mirror over the sink right now. I am fully aware of this, and yet, just know when I went to wash my hands, my first thought was ‘where the hell is my reflection? Oh FUCK!’
- I sincerely doubt I would be brave enough to burn myself to death if I found out I really was a vampire. Which puts me a notch below slutty local pub woman on the ‘good person’ scale.
- What the FUCK was that? Um. Not to be too graphic… we just got an up-skirt shot of vampire chick. And either critical parts of her are perpendicular to that those of every other woman on the planet or…. well. I don’t know. She was a boy? And had her key parts removed and stitched up? I’m not having sex for a week. At least. Cause, ew.
- Aww, romantic kisses. Between twelve year olds. One of whom has a blood covered mouth. And oh yeah, there’s a recently drained corpse on the floor. So sweet.
Ok. Unexpectedly romantic and exceptionally bloody. Overall, I give it eight cupcakes (out of a possible dozen).