his lyrics are bottomless

I wonder what my name would be if I was a rapper.

A little online quiz thingy (I had the answer the very difficult questions ‘what is your name’ and ‘male or female’) suggested I use

  1. Anonymous Skittles
  2. EZ Supastar
  3. Dr. Twist
  4. Lady Beatbox
  5. Or…. Dirty Wino

Awesome. None of these resonated perfectly though, so I decided to look a little farther afield.

Cracked.com very helpfully compiled a list of the 25 worst rapper names of all time, to help me decide what NOT to do. Other than a few gimmes (Eminem? Really?), there were some hilarious ones:

  1. 69 Boys – Um. I can’t imagine that the sexual connotations of this were lost on them. There certainly aren’t 69 of them. And while I fully support man on man love, I don’t know that this is the message they meant to send.
  2. Chamillionaire – He definitely got this off of the little online quiz thingy.
  3. Young Black Teenagers – If you’re like me, you’re thinking probably thinking ‘what’s wrong with that? I mean it’s kind of literal but hey’. Except they look like this:

    Most of their pics are artistic black and white shots, so in case you cant tell.... theyre white.

    Most of their pics are 'artistic' black and white shots, so in case you can't tell.... they're white.

  4. Cunninlynguists – Engineers. Must be.
  5. Devin the Dude – My guess? This is what people called him in his frat because he never did anything memorable enough to get a real nickname.
  6. Beelow – Makes me think of bumblebees. Aww.
  7. The LOX – ? Like bagels and lox and a schmear?
  8. Swollen Members – hahahahahahaha. On the same topic, I watched the ‘Jizz in my Pants’ video from Saturday Night Live for the first time last night. Also hahahahaha.
  9. Messy Marv – Really?
  10. Shorty Shitstain – Yeah. He’s a real guy, I checked. Apparently he’s a ‘Wu-Tang affiliate’ like 3000 other rappers. Maybe if you say you’re with RZA having a name like Shorty Shitstain only gets your ass kicked one out of every three times you go out in public.

I asked the tiniest sprinter what he would use, since that mo-fo is always good for a laugh, and he was disheartened to hear that Shorty Shitstain was already taken. Knowing that, he went with Rapface XXX-treme. As hilarious as I expected, if not more-so.

While on this kick, I checked in with the DB and asked him what he’d use. I’m pleased to announce that I’m now dating The Rhymnoceros.

So… after perusing these and searching deep into my soul, I think I have discovered both my rapper name and my rapper look. Behold:

lil e

lil e

It’s me! But all animated and cute. Aww. Watch out world, here comes lil e.

*Disclaimer – I have no intention of actually becoming a rapper.


A couple of things have come to my attention since writing this post.  First, the tinest sprinter rapface xxx-treme decided that even though it’s THURSDAY, we could have a new post! Yay! And what did that cool cat decide to write about? Rapper names! Go read it right now.

Second, apparently I don’t know my rapper names very well at all. The DB’s hilarious name, the Rhymoceros, is a real rapper. He thought I knew that… blah blah blah. So he’s re-thinking. In the meantime I’ve come up with one for him – Big Papa. And I will call him that until he rolls over and comes up with a new one. Either Big Papa or Money Fryolator. I haven’t decided yet.



Filed under I have a pop culture problem, I make lists, things I think are pretty

3 responses to “his lyrics are bottomless

  1. samburglar

    “messy marv” is the – THE – best rapper name i’ve ever heard. must… buy… albums…

    while your chosen name is indeed pretty sweet, i think you maybe could have made “dirty wino” work pretty well too. plus, think of all the mad dogs you’d get to drink!

  2. Pingback: artist name: rapface xxx-treme « the tiniest sprinter

  3. Pingback: kitten not everyone’s keen on lighting candle seventeen « emmanation

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