Monthly Archives: May 2009

his lyrics are bottomless

I wonder what my name would be if I was a rapper.

A little online quiz thingy (I had the answer the very difficult questions ‘what is your name’ and ‘male or female’) suggested I use

  1. Anonymous Skittles
  2. EZ Supastar
  3. Dr. Twist
  4. Lady Beatbox
  5. Or…. Dirty Wino

Awesome. None of these resonated perfectly though, so I decided to look a little farther afield.

Cracked.com very helpfully compiled a list of the 25 worst rapper names of all time, to help me decide what NOT to do. Other than a few gimmes (Eminem? Really?), there were some hilarious ones:

  1. 69 Boys – Um. I can’t imagine that the sexual connotations of this were lost on them. There certainly aren’t 69 of them. And while I fully support man on man love, I don’t know that this is the message they meant to send.
  2. Chamillionaire – He definitely got this off of the little online quiz thingy.
  3. Young Black Teenagers – If you’re like me, you’re thinking probably thinking ‘what’s wrong with that? I mean it’s kind of literal but hey’. Except they look like this:

    Most of their pics are artistic black and white shots, so in case you cant tell.... theyre white.

    Most of their pics are 'artistic' black and white shots, so in case you can't tell.... they're white.

  4. Cunninlynguists – Engineers. Must be.
  5. Devin the Dude – My guess? This is what people called him in his frat because he never did anything memorable enough to get a real nickname.
  6. Beelow – Makes me think of bumblebees. Aww.
  7. The LOX – ? Like bagels and lox and a schmear?
  8. Swollen Members – hahahahahahaha. On the same topic, I watched the ‘Jizz in my Pants’ video from Saturday Night Live for the first time last night. Also hahahahaha.
  9. Messy Marv – Really?
  10. Shorty Shitstain – Yeah. He’s a real guy, I checked. Apparently he’s a ‘Wu-Tang affiliate’ like 3000 other rappers. Maybe if you say you’re with RZA having a name like Shorty Shitstain only gets your ass kicked one out of every three times you go out in public.

I asked the tiniest sprinter what he would use, since that mo-fo is always good for a laugh, and he was disheartened to hear that Shorty Shitstain was already taken. Knowing that, he went with Rapface XXX-treme. As hilarious as I expected, if not more-so.

While on this kick, I checked in with the DB and asked him what he’d use. I’m pleased to announce that I’m now dating The Rhymnoceros.

So… after perusing these and searching deep into my soul, I think I have discovered both my rapper name and my rapper look. Behold:

lil e

lil e

It’s me! But all animated and cute. Aww. Watch out world, here comes lil e.

*Disclaimer – I have no intention of actually becoming a rapper.

LATER NOTE

A couple of things have come to my attention since writing this post.  First, the tinest sprinter rapface xxx-treme decided that even though it’s THURSDAY, we could have a new post! Yay! And what did that cool cat decide to write about? Rapper names! Go read it right now.

Second, apparently I don’t know my rapper names very well at all. The DB’s hilarious name, the Rhymoceros, is a real rapper. He thought I knew that… blah blah blah. So he’s re-thinking. In the meantime I’ve come up with one for him – Big Papa. And I will call him that until he rolls over and comes up with a new one. Either Big Papa or Money Fryolator. I haven’t decided yet.

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Filed under I have a pop culture problem, I make lists, things I think are pretty

armed with this small butterfly net only

Today has been a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day.  I’m about thisclose to shutting down facebook, the blog, everything.

What I would actually like to do is what bloggers do – write about what’s happening to me. However, it’s not just my bad day and not just my story today, so I’ll keep it under wraps.

So instead, I’ll write about the inherent non-privacy of the internet. Did you know, for example, that if you create a new email address with an ‘anonymous’ provider (yahoo, gmail, whatever), that anyone who knows how to use google can discover when that account was created? And if you use that email address to send an anonymous email, your IP address is in fact in the header? AND IP addresses can be searched by your every day average normal person? And traced back to a location?

Even cooler, if you know how to work the web, you can see other sites that same IP address has visited?

True story.

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cause words, like girls, get bored and run

Just to be clear, I am NOT advertisting this. I’m asking what the fuck this is. Seriously, what the fuck kind of service to they provide? I’m too much of a pansy to click on the link and find out, but I started googling things like ‘cheat on your wife’ (because you know, that’s better than clicking a link) and discovered the Alibi Network.  Some of the services offered by the Alibi Network?

  • Do you need us to make a phone call, but want the phone call to appear from Paris? With the Paris number showing up on the caller id of the intended party?
  • Are you in Dubai, but telling your partner you are in Tokyo? Would you like to have us assign a Tokyo number to you, receive the phone call on your behalf and forward it to your number in Dubai?
  • Do you want to create an impression that you are staying in a certain hotel anywhere in the world? Complete with the 24 hr hotel receptionist answering in the accent of your choice and confirming your stay?
  • Do you want to create an impression that you are flying by a certain airline on a certain date anywhere in the World?

I’m just mildly disgusted that there appears to be an entire cottage industry around lying and cheating. I’m not actually coming out against adultery – I know, big statement. I personally just file it under ‘individual choice’ and move on with my life. However, be cool enough to take care of it yourself, adulterous person. How lazy can you be, really? I especially disapprove of how the services offered are all in ‘ooo Paris, ooo Dubai’. In reality, they likely end up showing the Columbus Westin‘s number when the call is really originating from the Columbus Super 8.  

I’m in a wonderful mood today, in case that isn’t coming across. I got about five hours of sleep, my work computer is broken due to my complete clumsiness, and I’ve had too much coffee. I’ll cheer up in a bit and write about the awesomeness of getting to write your own letter of recommendation.  For now, I leave you with this thought: ‘stupid freaking adulterers can’t create thier own stupid freaking alibis mutter mutter’.

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just to have you as my very own personal venus

The tiniestsprinter seems to have luck with these brain dump posts he’s been doing lately. And as I may have mentioned once or twice before, I am nothing if not a follower. Here goes.
Just looking at this gives me vertigo.

Just looking at this gives me vertigo.

This, however, is awesome.

This, however, is awesome.

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I hate this fucking comic, and I read it almost every day. Im always somehow hoping that it will stop being the misogynistic unfunny mess that it has been for the last 52 years. No luck so far.

I hate this fucking comic, and I read it almost every day. I'm always somehow hoping that it will stop being the misogynistic unfunny mess that it has been for the last 52 years. No luck so far.

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I  bought an ice cream machine yesterday. Well, ordered it on Amazon, so I’ll have it sometime in the next two weeks.  I’m already making plans for flavors. I wanted one of the compression ones (i.e. the freezer is in the machine, rather than you having to freeze the bowl ahead of time) but couldn’t justify the expense. Even after two beers, which is usually when ordering a $250 ice cream machine sounds like the PERFECT idea.  First flavors:

  • Vegan coconut lime
  • Caramel mint
  • Lavender
  • Nutella

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Mary Scrimgeour rocks. I saw her at the 29th Street Art Festival this last weekend and I luv her.

Mary Scrimgeour rocks. I saw her at the 29th Street Art Festival this last weekend and I luv her. I'm considering buying this but I'm running out of room for new art AND I bought three of her prints.

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The DB comes back from Sweden tomorrow – whoohooo. Here’s what my buddy at work (the original ‘you should be worried cause Swedish chicks are way hotter than you’ contributor) had to say on the subject:

1:51 pm so did your db say he missed you or did he sound a like….swedish girls may be a lil bit more his style than Italian

Here’s what I had to say back:

1:52 pm LOL

1:52 pm you are such an ass

Cause he is.

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The tiniestsprinter and I are starting a movie club. We’re totally ripping the idea off from final girl, but that’s what the internet is about, man. First review is due 5/31. If you’re a blogger who just happens to be reading this and you’d also like to review this movie, DO IT. Just send me or the tiniestsprinter a link to your blog when you’re done.

I got to pick the first movie, and Sam will get to pick the next. Drumroll pleez…. (I’ve started spelling pleez this way and it makes me want to shake myself and say ‘why?? why??’ but I haven’t stopped yet)….

Buffy the Vampire Slayer!! Sam and I have seen this movie like a billion times. Ok, maybe not a billion – lets say fewer times than Tremors and Ghostbusters but more times than Don’t Tell Mom the Babysitter’s Dead. However, in my infinite wisdom, I’m pretty sure we can come up with some hilarious shit to say about it.

Also, Luke Perry and David Arquette, both young and ummy. This part is more for me than for Sam.

Also, Luke Perry and David Arquette, both young and ummy. This part is more for me than for Sam.

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muah.

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Filed under I make lists, movie club, things I think are pretty, yum

Sunday Best

 

What? No. Way. This is almost def a woman, based on the handwriting and background, right? NO. WAY. Dont lie, lady, you just make other girls feel bad.

What? No. Way. This is almost def a woman, based on the handwriting and background, right? Don't lie, lady, you just make other girls feel bad. Unless of course you mean the kind of sit up where you're HAVING SEX.

MUAH. Girl power. Rachel Alexandra is my hero.

MUAH. Girl power. Rachel Alexandra is my hero.

Megan Fox said shes bisexual, but wont sleep with other bisexual women, only gay women. Because, she says, men are disgusting and she doesnt want to sleep with a woman who has slept with a man. So... theyre good enough for first person contact but not one person removed. Sensible, Ms. Fox.

Megan Fox said she's bisexual, but won't sleep with other bisexual women, only gay women. Because, she says, 'men are disgusting' and she doesn't want to sleep with a woman who has slept with a man. So... they're good enough for first person contact but not one person removed. Sensible, Ms. Fox. Nice tights, too.

One of the contestants on The Fashion Show. Clearly, its no Project Runway.

One of the contestants on The Fashion Show. Clearly, it's no Project Runway.

Speaking of Project Runway, this is what Heidi Klum wore to her vow renewal ceremony. Cornrows. When I saw this I actually wondered if she was playing a trick on the paparazzi. Until I saw....

Speaking of Project Runway, this is what Heidi Klum wore to her vow renewal ceremony. Cornrows with beads on the end and a veil made out of pipe cleaners. When I saw this I actually wondered if she was playing a trick on the paparazzi. Until I saw....

what Seal wore. Now I know it was a trick. Im fairly sure theres a world takeover involved here somewhere.

what Seal wore. Now I know it was a trick. There must be a joke in here somewhere, right? Right? Otherwise my faith in celebrity is misplaced, and that would be heartbreaking.

And finally:

Stella is NOT your mother. Thank god.

Stella is NOT your mother. Thank god.

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he is a foreign man

My beau (who you saw a few quotes from in my wonderfully typed last entry) is in Sweden.

Hes like superman with cooler socks.

He's like superman with cooler socks.

Actually, before I get into that – lets talk about that last entry. WHY didn’t anyone tell me there were so many typos?? Ok, so I wrote in on my iPhone in the dark after having consumed several delicious Portland microbrews while watching Neverending Story (or Goonies, I forget). But I like to think that my literary kung-fu can transcend silly barriers like that. Apparently not. Oh well. I’m not going to go back and fix them, as much as I’m itching to. Detracts from the authenticity, ya know?

Ok, now. My beau is in Sweden. I haven’t heard from him except for one lyrical facebook status update:

… doesn’t speak the language, he holds no currency, he is… oh wait, there’s an ATM.

If I had to guess, I’d say that probably occurred to him on the plane on the way over and he just couldn’t WAIT to use it – he puts a lot more thought into these things than I do. For example, my most recent status update is:

Emma is out of saltines. Oh noes!

Anyway, no updates from the land of the Swedes thus far, otherwise I’d be regaling you with tales of his adventures there. I’m not worried that I haven’t heard from him, of course. Why would I be, when he’s surrounded by women who look like this?

Elin Grindemyr. Just a regular old Swedish girl.

Elin Grindemyr. Just a regular old Swedish girl.

My buddy at work keeps telling me these women luuvvv American men, too. And the DB is in Sweden for a wedding.

So to recap: I haven’t heard from my boyfriend, who is currently likely surrounded by tipsy, gorgeous, american-loving, romantic-feeling Swedish women.

Good thing I’m full of self confidence and inner beauty, huh?

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Filed under dating is fun!, it's hard being this beautiful, the people I love

I'm the verbal Herman Munster

Portland quotes so far, courtesy of Paige, Sam, the DB, and myself.

‘I don’t think dermoid cysts can have eyes.’ Paige.

‘Absorbed twins are the best kind of twins. If I had an absorbed twin I’d go through the rest of my life feeling like I won. ‘ Sam.

‘That rap was ill-oquent.’ Sam, talking about Cash Money Millionaires.

‘I thought she was a man when I was a kid.’ Paige. Dunno.

‘Your name must be dang cause that’s what someone said when they saw your momma.’ The DB, talking about someone Paige knows named Dang.

‘We gotta go back to the horse tranquilizer idea.’ (The DB, referring to a coworker after receiving an email).

‘We should make this place into a foam party…but only six inches, otherwise Louis will drown.’ Um…dunno.

Paige: ‘it’s 9:07’. Sam: ‘thanks. Are you going to tell me when it’s 9:08 as well?’ Paige: ‘no because you’ll be dead by then.’. Discussion after Sam asked what time it was, I told him, then Paige told him again.

‘Dude it’s be so awesome to be a criminal and also be able to sing really good.’ Sam on operatic bad guy in Goonies.

‘Put jelly and chocolate chips in if and then try it. Get back to me.’ Sam on oatmeal.

‘You guys, he broke me.’ Me after the DB whacked my ankle into a table.

The DB: ‘It’s like that old saying. Give a man a fire… something something. Light a man on fire, keep him warm for the rest of his life.’ Me: ‘You said that just to get in the blog, huh.’

‘Everyone needs a gadgety best friend who’s shoes squirt oil.’ Me.

‘How is your head getting closer to me?’ The DB. Not talking to me.

‘Ow.’ Sam, when Paige climbed into the rocking chair under which he was reclining.

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