I will run as fast as I can to the middle of nowhere

I’m sick. Again. I have the immune system of a four year old who has lived in a bubble her whole life.

Ok, fine. Probably not that bad. If that were the case, I would be dead right about now. However, in all seriousness, it’s like any germ that can stick on me does. Seriously. I have strep throat this time around, just fyi.

So…. I’m surveying several published and rumored ways to bolster my immune system.

  • I of course have to start with the tiniest sprinter, who suggests that I ‘get dirtier’. By that he apparently means wash myself less and abandon cleaning products in my house all together. I love him and enjoy visiting him at his house, so I won’t write out what assorted wipes I’ll be packing for my next visit. Rest assured there will be plenty. And possibly latex gloves and a mask of some kind.
  • How about vitamins? I take a multi-vitamin, as all 28 year old women should, but there must be more I can do. This sounds doable at first glance- take echinacea, cat’s claw, goldenseal, grapefruit seed extract, liquorice (I don’t know if that’s licorice, liquor, or some seriously nasty combo of the two), maitake…. ok I don’t know what most of these are. Maybe this one isn’t for me either.
  • Oh shit! I just realized what licorice liquor would be – ouzo! Man I hate that stuff. I brought a bottle back from Turkey where they call it raki. I think I only used it as part of horrible horrible drinking games that inevitably ended in someone retiring to the garage to press their faces to the concrete and waking up covered in oil and ants. Yeah, it’s that good. If you’ve never had it, it’s clear in the bottle and then turns white when you mix it with water. Reactions like that are inappropriate for liquors.

  • Speaking of ouzo, according to my friend Mark, alcohol should be my go-to cure here. Not a regular dosage, but a warfare approach. His technique is to whip out the whiskey when he feels a cold coming on and pit them against each other. According to him, the headache the next day is infinitely preferable to the days of sniffles and soreness. I cannot find any backing for this theory, even in the great wide internet, so I’m shelving this one.
  • Sex. Yep, apparently having sex once or twice a week boosts some … something… by 30% as compared to being abstintent. I’m fully on board until this part: “But people who had very frequent sex-three times a week or more-had lower IgA levels than the abstainers.”  Huh. What’s the fun in that?

My personal brass ring is apparently that holy of holies: reduce stress. I could start copying links to prestigious, intelligent, reputable (is that redundant with prestigious?) sources, but that would be dumb, since everyone already knows that. Unfortunately, no one tells you how. I have a few ideas… I’ll think about them when I feel better.

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1 Comment

Filed under I make lists, it's all about me

One response to “I will run as fast as I can to the middle of nowhere

  1. mark

    You forgot to wear the multiple layers and sweatsuit, that’s why the “cure” isn’t working for you.

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