Optimism is a wonderful thing, and about some things I am endlessly optimistic. For example, I truly believe (despite mocking from those who think of themselves as ‘realists’ but are in fact just ‘no fun’) that I may one day win the lottery. I believe it because it is possible – that’s the difference between optimism and self delusion, I think. If I truly believed that I was destined to win the lottery, that would be self delusion. If I quit my job because of that belief, that’s when self delusion becomes self-destructive. I’m generally nowhere near that category.
However …. (knew that was coming, didn’t you), there is one area of my life where I have lost the ability to distinguish between optimism, delusion, and destruction. I say lost, which of course implies that I had that ability at one point – I’m not sure that’s actually true, but I’m giving my younger self the benefit of the doubt. Three guesses if you don’t know me, one if you do.
Yep, that would be love. I truly believe that this guy is the one. Which guy? That’s the thing – whichever ‘this guy’ he happens to be at any given time. I am generally so sure or at least so anxious to find out that I make decisions I would not otherwise make because they seem reasonable in pursuit of true love. I’ve caused some serious fights with friends because of this particular tendency.
The question I’m struggling with today is this – when do I give up on that idea? When do I decide that my current ‘this guy’ isn’t worth whatever stupid thing I’m about to do, when I don’t yet know what he’s worth? And is it delusional to assume that one of these men, one of these days, will be not ‘this guy’ but ‘the guy’?
I’m not going anywhere funny or useful with this, I’m just musing out loud. My 28th birthday is nine days away, and Valentines day is only a few weeks after that, so a little introspection can be forgiven, right? If I decide one way or the other and hijinks ensue I promise I’ll turn them into an entertaining story. And this is me – when there’s a boy involved, hijinks ALWAYS ensue. Stay posted.