Dear catastrophe girlfriend

Monday, January 28, 2008

Or not. The girlfriend part, not the catastrophe part – I think I’ve got that part pretty well covered.

So, as a very sad girl today, my plan for tonight was pretty much to go to bed with a bottle of gin and not think about it until tomorrow.  However, I have since stumbled on an alternative plan which I think may beat that hands down.  Not only will it have the same effect (I will end the night drunk and depressed), it will allow me to share the sorrows of others instead of … well, you know, wallowing.

What is this brilliant plan, you ask?  The State of the Union Drinking Game, of course!
While I could go the easy way, and just drink twice every time he says ‘God’, I think I’m going a bit more political.

  • Every time Bush mentions Iran: 1 drink
  • Hamas: 1 drink
  • North Korea: 1 drink
  • Bush begins a sentence with “British Intelligence…”: Drink an entire bottle of whatever you were drinking three years ago, throw it at the TV
  • Bush mentions the people of New Orleans: Cry into your beer, then drink it.
  • Bush mentions the people of New Orleans in a positive light: Shot of bitters.
  • Bush mentions Hurricane Katrina: Tell person sitting next to you that you’ll refill their glass, leave town for a couple days.
  • Bush mentions Hurricane Katrina in a positive light: Check the label.
  • Every time Bush makes reference to a previous President’s SOTU address: 1 drink.
  • If the reference is to a Democratic President’s speech: 2 drinks.
  • To Grover Cleveland’s 1888 address: Finish the bottle.
  • Bush mentions Coretta Scott King: pour out a 40 on the curb.
  • Chris Penn: Pour out a 40, a steak, and a milkshake on the curb.
  • “Health Savings Accounts”: Enjoy the freedom to choose a drink you can’t afford.
  • Bush ends the speech with “Ever get the feeling you’ve been cheated?”: A billion drinks.

Thank you Wonkette.
Isn’t doing it for you? Try
this one. Better hurry, though – only half an hour left and you’re probably already several shots behind me.

Later notes – yes, have been drinking, why do you ask?  Did he just say:
“catch and release” when referring to immigrants?
“nucular”?
“republican”?
“hishpanish children”?
“nucular”?
WAIT – someone definitely just yelled boo-yah. wtf?
“whim of the gavel”? Do you think he says that to Laura at night? ‘Laura, baby, its time to obey the whim of the gavel’. She probably just laughs.
(how does sending 3000 troops to afghanistan count as bringing them home? wait, that’s real politics, and this is about binge drinking while I watch GW mispronounce words on the teevee)
I think Cheney is asleep
“nucular”? that’s three times. I think that means I have to go to the liquor store.
Did he just refer to the country of New Orleans? Seriously.
“and by ‘save these vital programs, I mean completely eviscerate them'”.  I must be watching the outtakes.

and… I’m done.

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