last one – promise

I swear. After this you will never see the words Black Devil Doll on this blog ever again.

Remember yesterday when I basically said ‘to each his own’?
That was before someone logged on as the black devil doll and said that he’d “give it to me hard”. And said that people who take a doll raping a woman seriously is stupid.

People who don’t take a doll raping a woman seriously don’t understand what rape is. People who think that exploitation is like pizza don’t understand exploitation. I’m actually a little disgusted with myself for giving them so much space, but I can’t let these comments go by. Never again, though – there’s not a lot lower they can go from here.

This was fun yesterday. Now it’s just awful. Remember how classy the writer of Gingerdead Man was when Sam panned his movie? Hat tip to that fellow.

we are SO unpopular right now

Among people who sometimes maybe get a little carried away.

I mean, we didn’t like the hate in the movie. I guess some people are into that kind of thing.

A) Just because the tiniest sprinter is 5′ 4″ doesn’t mean he’s a girl. Not that I would mind – I always wanted a sister. But seriously.

B) Yes, these comments show amazing respect for women. Way to prove me wrong.

C) RECKING a grade schooler’s life DOES sound cool! You are so SMART right now!

D) My brother is an amazing fucking writer. You’re the one who commented on his blog ‘you’re retarded’. (Again, way to show that respect that I claimed you didn’t have.)

Moving on.

E) So Shawn Lewis’s plan, in making this movie, was to wreck (spelled correctly this time – someone must have alerted him) people’s lives and get people to hate movies? Noble goal, my friend. Noble goal.

F) Wait – is anyone else seeing that there are only two people participating in this bash? Excepting the fellow that somehow thinks Sam is the one who was calling people retards, of course.

So apparently the man who made Black Devil Doll and his number one fan think that we in the movie club are wrong, and we think they’re wrong.

And you know what? That’s fine. People can like whatever movies they want. My taste is not everyone’s taste. (I feel like such the bigger person right now!)

I shouldn’t have said what I did on twitter. My exact words, introducing my review post, were ‘Our movie club has some serious apologizing to do. So do the people responsible for Black Devil Doll’.  The creator of the movie’s response was ‘Why should we apologize for your rampant stupidity?’. He’s right (about the apology, not about me being stupid). I have no right saying he should apologize. If he’s proud of it, then he is.

Good for him.

thoughts while watching black devil doll

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See what I did there? Yeah, that’s because I didn’t watch it.

This week in the ts/en/yisy/ssv* movie club, it was Andrew’s turn to pick. We went with the inimitable Black Devil Doll.

As much as I would like to say that one of us said ‘no dear god no!’, that didn’t happen. It pretty much went like this.

Andrew: Sorry for the delay. I’m drawing a blank on picking a new one. “Black Devil Doll” piqued my interest, but I’m not sure how everyone feels about blaxploitation movies.

Sam: i forgot to add, what does everybody think about limiting it to instant netflix movies?  it seems when we rely on physical copies, something always turns foul.

Andrew: That may be a bit restrictive (I only say this because Black Devil Doll is not a watch instantly movie and I just read a review that makes me want to watch and write about it).

Sam: well let’s roll with digital video disc technology this round then, and watch us some devil doll!

Andrew: Post a week from monday, 1/25? Or can we get this done for the coming monday, 1/18?

Sam: im gonna say the 25th, because i’m not an ambitious man.  anyone want to test my laziness?

Emma: No way on the 18th- birthday celebrations galore.

There you go. Given every opportunity to say ‘hmmm, maybe we should skip the blaxploitation’ Sam and I both just rolled with it.

Then Jason watched it. He was on the email string above, but didn’t participate, and he was the first to receive the now infamous digital video disc from Netflix.

He may actually be quitting movie club. That’s how bad it was.

I sent mine back unwatched based on the strength of his reaction, but Sam and Andrew decided to power through.

Apparently the devil doll hates women, and the person who made the movie hates women and black people, and everyone hates Patrick Dempsey.

Hating Patrick Dempsey is like hating puppies and rainbows. And unicorns. And puppies romping with unicorns in a meadow under a rainbow. And me. Hating Patrick Dempsey is like hating me.

We’re so embarrassed right now. My only saving grace is that through sheer forgetfulness, I forgot to post that this was our pick and therefore (dear god I hope) none of you watched it. If you did, my most sincerest of apologies. We are not into hate, as a movie club or as individuals, and if you watched it because we picked it we owe you BIG time. I will blog on the topic of your choice as a reward. Heck, we all will. All four of us (assuming Jason starts talking to us again). Just let us know.

To quote Sam: please don’t watch this movie.

Emmanation rating: dear god please do not watch this movie.

*If you can think of a fantastic anagram that uses those letters for us to use as a movie club name, you will be forever loved.

paranormal activity

Theoretically, today is film club day. I picked the movie to fit with the season – Santa’s Slay. Looks classy huh.

When I picked it, it was the only Netflix Christmas related horror movie that was supposed to be available immediately and that and the scary ass Santa cover was enough for me. However, Netflix has foiled me yet again.

Not that Pieces, Ginger Snaps, and MST3000 weren’t fabulous, but seriously, Netflix? I suspect they have but a single copy, and because the remainder of the movie club beat me to it, Andrew did manage to review Santa’s Slay, and I have it on good authority that Sam will have posted his version by Monday night, so go check em out. I will eventually review it (perhaps), but today I’m going to review Paranormal Activity instead because that’s what was available at RedBox.

If you weren’t aware, this film was something of a social media darling. Facebook and Twitter got it a release many many times larger than it could have gotten on it’s own, considering it’s rumored budget of $15,000. It earned over $100 million in the box office. Locally, the only time I could have gone to see it was at midnight. I am so glad I didn’t.

This movie is fucking terrifying.

Katie and Micah (which I’ve always pronounced My-ka but in the movie is pronounced Mee-ka – freaks) are a couple in San Diego with a really nice house and a demon that has been bugging Katie, on and off, since she was 8 and may or may not have burned her house down. The movie opens with them purchasing a video camera to record what happens, and to prove to themselves that they’re not imagining it.

They are normal people, and that’s what makes this so insanely freaky. Katie is a little pudgy and has great hair and is mostly nice to Micah, and Micah is mostly sweet to Katie but is also sort of a frat boy I-can-fix-anything type. Which apparently the demon takes offense to, judging by the escalating level of his activity in their house. The action is never blood-on-the-walls floating-knives stuff, it’s all slow, walking around in the dark, nightmare stuff. I can’t even quite explain it.

There were people who found it overrated and not at all frightening. To those people, I say “have you no soul? Are you not human? Did you NOT WATCH THE LAST 30 SECONDS??”

To everyone else, I say – if you’re a big fan of sleep, you might want to skip it. Just an idea.

thoughts while watching (the original) wicker man

It’s Final Girl Film Club time again!! In the spirit of full disclosure, I’ve seen the new Wicker Man and I hated it with a fiery, fiery passion. I think that Nicholas Cage should stick to Con Air sequels and leave the horror movies for… well, for anyone else, honestly. However, if Stacie Ponder says watch the old one, watch the old one I shall. If you’ve not read one of my movie reviews before, boy are you in for a treat – they don’t make any sense if you haven’t seen the movie, because I’m not going to explain the plot. Mostly because I’m lazy. What I will do is write down the things I think as I think them. Won’t that be lovely.

1. Scotland? Really? As long as they didn’t make the dreaded NC do a Scottish accent, the new one certainly would have benefited from this scenery as opposed to the Children of the Corn setting it ended up with.
2. Was that a palm tree? I clearly don’t know enough about Scottish horticulture – I would have put money on there being no palm trees.
3. If it turns out the missing girl actually turned into a bunny rabbit (oh excuse me, a hare) and the Sergeant was told 10 minutes in, I’m going to hate this movie as much as the new one.
4. The local restaurant/hotel owner makes me think of the Corky and the Juice Pigs song Eskimo. Also, he doesn’t seem to mind the lecherous drunkards dry humping his daughter. Classy.
5. Nudity! Nudity everywhere, even in the graveyard! What kind of island is this?? One famous for it’s fruits and vegetables, I guess….. although what that has to do with nudity is a little unclear.
6. Musical number. Also nude. With dancing. OH MY GOD – she’s doing the naked macarena. I’m not even kidding. And the Sergeant is finding it quite erotic, even from the other side of the wall.
7. Another musical number – this time with some confusing imagery about men laying on women and then seeds turning into graves turning into trees. Awesome.
8. Holy shit, the schoolteacher just totally spilled the beans. Not only is the missing girl real, she’s dead and buried in some sort of alternative churchyard. And in fact is now a hare or a tree or possibly both. And her umbilical cord is marking her grave. I bet there is a waiting list a mile long to move to this island.
9. Toad sucking. That’s hot.
10. There is far too much singing in this town. It’s like one big episode of Glee, except with more alternative religions and less high school.
11. The lord (of … something – the island? the town? who knows) just explained that the singing teenage girls are naked because jumping through fire with your clothes on is just too darn dangerous. That seems reasonable to me and I’m starting to wonder why the Sergeant is being such a party pooper.
12. I’m now desperately trying to decide whether I would prefer to carry the child of a god or the child of an acne scarred artisan. The former seems to come with a lot of responsibility… yeah, no jumping over bonfires for me. Since that’s apparently how gods get a girl pregnant. You know, the dangerous, non-pleasurable way.
13. A hare in the missing-now-presumed-dead girl’s coffin in place of her body? Really? See thought #3.
14. The Sergeant is consistently the sweatiest person in the room. Does being a fuddy duddy make you sweat? Possibly it’s related to the fact that he looks about 40 and he’s apparently saving himself for marriage. A virgin on this island would be seriously uncomfortable, and a 40 year old virgin is probably uncomfortable anywhere.
15. WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON WITH THE PEOPLE IN THE ANIMAL MASKS. AHHHHH.
16. Oh, the missing girl is going to be sacrificed. You know, to help the fruit grow. Obviously. I tried sacrificing a beer once, to help my strawberries grow, but they just turned brown. Possibly I shouldn’t have poured it directly onto them – I assume they’re not going to have that problem with the girl.
17. I guess it figures that if you bust into every room in every house in town, you’ll come across one woman in a very small bathtub who touches herself while staring at you. The poor virgin Sergeant should have expected it.
18. Apparently the masturbating woman and the searching were just too much for the poor old Sergeant. After all, the girl is just going to be killed sometime in the afternoon – plenty of time for a nap! That hand of glory should help with any kidnapping-sex-cult induced insomnia.
19. The animal masks have stopped scaring me and are now just making me think of Furries. Probably not what the film maker was going for.
    

    See? Behind the men with the swords - furries!

20. Oh snap – taken in by a little girl, awkwardly washed with the hair of two blond women, marked with yellow paint, and forced to keep an appointment with the wicker man. An unfortunate end to what otherwise would have been a nice day – what with the lady in the bathtub and all.

Why on earth did someone find it necessary to remake this movie? It has its clumsy moments and quite a bit too much singing, sure, but all in all it’s beautiful and managed to make my heart beat faster at the end, even though I knew exactly what was coming. Wicker Man 1973 version, I love you and I’m just going to pretend I never even saw that silly silly 2006 version.

Emmanation rating: Pumpkin pie with homemade crust and Cool Whip.

thoughts while watching Re-Animator

It’s that time again – movie club time!

The choice this week was one that Sam and Jason made together, for reasons that they worked out with their cyclist brains that are beyond the comprehension of a normal person. I’m on vacation today, and this is my last NaBloPoMo post. I was hoping to end with something a little more closurey, but you can’t deny movie club day when it comes upon you. I give you… my thoughts on Re-Animator!

1. What is it about German heritage that seems to go so well with being a medical professional? It’s like sugar and spice. Peanut butter and jelly. Exploding eyeballs and crappy horror films from the 80s.
2. We’re zooming in very very closely on the words ‘external rectus’. Maybe I’m just 12 at heart (ok no maybe about it) but did they just do a close up anatomical drawing of the body part I think they did? Heehee- butts.
3. Since when do we call flat lined patients ‘straight lined’? I call bullshit – you’re making up your own language, H.P. Lovecraft, and I’m not going to let you get away with it. Also, I’m pretty sure that a normal autopsy doesn’t involve burning a hole in a skull and sticking a q-tip into it.
4. The boob shot! And only ten minutes in. Point, Re-Animator.
5. Was anyone else tempted to try pulling the skin off of a head after the doctor described it as ‘like pulling the skin off a large orange’? No? Yeah, me neither.
6. I think our hero is wearing women’s scrubs. Either than or men’s used to have a much deeper v-neck than they do now.
7. HE KILLED THE CAT!? Are you kidding me? I’m about two seconds from turning this off – that is unacceptable. Unacceptable, I say. Also, if you kill your roommate’s cat and he finds you bringing it back to life and is forced to kill it because it’s attacking you, the appropriate response is not to pretend the cat is coming back to life again behind him and then point and laugh.
8. I will never take any medicine that glows or creates light of any kind. We can go ahead and add that to my fuck it list.
9. They’re re-animating a dead body without taking him out of the morgue. How are they going to explain that, srsly? ‘Oh, well, we uh… this guy with the y-incision, turns out uh… he wasn’t really dead. Oh, that slavering he’s doing? That’s nothing, don’t worry about it. We’ll be leaving now.’
10. Remember how I wrote about men not asking women’s father’s for permission to get married? I think that my boyfriend creating a zombie, allowing that zombie to kill my dad, and then re-animating my dad would be worse. Nothing like a little perspective.
11. I think zombie dad just used his zombie powers to protect his daughter from a lecherous old man. An unexpected zombie upside.
12. Herbert West, the anti-hero, apparently thinks doing the robot dance is how people act sneaky. Because nothing says ‘don’t look over here’ like popping and locking.
13. According to this man’s facial expressions, having your disembodied head carried around by your body is sort of orgasmic. I have a hard time believing that’s what he was going for, but to each his own.

     

    

    This is pre orgasm face - I didn't think you needed to see that. I certainly didn't.

14. The disembodied head keeps losing his breath. It is just me or does breath have something to do with, you know, lungs?
15. Full on nudity at 1:09. In case you were waiting. Of course the nudity is slightly marred by the bodyless head grossly ogling it.  EWEWEW EWWWWW headless body is feeling up the unconscious girl! Thank you Re-Animator, for my next six months worth of nightmares. I was getting tired of the stuck-in-the-mall one from Dawn of the Dead. Oh… oh… the head is … ok this is the grossest thing I’ve ever seen in my life.
16. Pale zombie makeup really brings out the yellowness of your teeth.
17. I swear the heroine’s name has gone back and forth from April to Megan in each scene.
18. ZOMBIE DAD COMES THROUGH. Awww, I knew you would, zombie dad. That’s what dads are for.
19. Apparently zombies have control of body parts that regular people do not – for example, intestines. I could not strangle someone with my intestines.
20. I think the last zombie is a Klingon. I find that incredibly confusing, but who am I to judge.

All in all, a good watch. Possibly the best not-good movie we’ve watched since we undertook this crazy mission.

Emmanation rating: A dozen delicious vanilla bean cupcakes from your local bakery that your friend licked before giving to you.

there’s got to be a new kind of Turkish Delight

I’m doing the Baghdad boogie! Ok, not really. Because if I were, that would likely mean I was a young women dressed up like a harem girl in the basement of the town council building in what is possibly the weirdest town ever, dancing around with the gigantic janitor/furnace maintenance man Abdullah. Or possibly dancing in his imagination.

If you have not watched Big Meat Eater, the previous three sentences probably made less sense than if you have. In other words, Sam, Andrew, and Jason, I hope you thought that was funny – everyone else, sorry.

Are you in the mood to watch nerds sing, German immigrants somehow raise young men with Australian accents, and people get killed very very slowly, non gruesomely, and apparently indiscriminately? Then this flick is for you!

Some minor highlights and quotes include:

• the nerdy butcher creating a new universal language that will make it easier to communicate with extra terrestrials
• “now ladies, don’t worry. there’s plenty of meat to go around.”
• an alien craft that I’m fairly sure the aliens picked up at Spenser Gifts
• radioactive balonium
• some of the best dancing that I’ve ever seen done in a trailer
• the German trying to get his wife excited about a new house by telling her that it will have a built in pirogi roller
• …. and more!

Really, this movie slices, dices, cooks, cleans, steams, and shines. I insist that if you have Netflix watch now and have an hour and twenty minutes free with absolutely no alternative activities available, you must go watch it.

Emmanation rating: Suspiciously meaty cupcakes with musical birthday candles.

there's got to be a new kind of Turkish Delight

I’m doing the Baghdad boogie! Ok, not really. Because if I were, that would likely mean I was a young women dressed up like a harem girl in the basement of the town council building in what is possibly the weirdest town ever, dancing around with the gigantic janitor/furnace maintenance man Abdullah. Or possibly dancing in his imagination.

If you have not watched Big Meat Eater, the previous three sentences probably made less sense than if you have. In other words, Sam, Andrew, and Jason, I hope you thought that was funny – everyone else, sorry.

Are you in the mood to watch nerds sing, German immigrants somehow raise young men with Australian accents, and people get killed very very slowly, non gruesomely, and apparently indiscriminately? Then this flick is for you!

Some minor highlights and quotes include:

• the nerdy butcher creating a new universal language that will make it easier to communicate with extra terrestrials
• “now ladies, don’t worry. there’s plenty of meat to go around.”
• an alien craft that I’m fairly sure the aliens picked up at Spenser Gifts
• radioactive balonium
• some of the best dancing that I’ve ever seen done in a trailer
• the German trying to get his wife excited about a new house by telling her that it will have a built in pirogi roller
• …. and more!

Really, this movie slices, dices, cooks, cleans, steams, and shines. I insist that if you have Netflix watch now and have an hour and twenty minutes free with absolutely no alternative activities available, you must go watch it.

Emmanation rating: Suspiciously meaty cupcakes with musical birthday candles.

Happy Birthday Sesame Street!

I know, I sucked it up yesterday. Not only did I write the lamest blog entry ever, I forgot that I was supposed to be reviewing Big Meat Eater. I had remembered on Sunday night, but Netflix was acting all cranky, and then I just plumb forgot. I’ll try to watch it tonight and review it tomorrow, promise-cross-my-heart-hope-that-if-I-forget-nothing-bad-happens-at-all. The tiniest sprinter did review it, so go check that out. I can promise it’s hilarious, even though I haven’t read it, because he’s always hilarious.

So… it’s Sesame Street’s official birthday today and I still haven’t acted on the genius ‘write a fake interview with your favorite Sesame  Street character’ idea that I was so graciously gifted with last week. I now realize that this is because Sesame Street was not, to my recollection, a  big part of my childhood. I went through all the characters I could remember and dismissed them one by one until the only one left was … well, you’ll see.

Let’s check it out:

• Big Bird – Rejected

Pros: He has imaginary friends and is a seriously fabulous color. Also, he apparently understands the importance of car safety and a snuggly traveling buddy.
Cons: He is frighteningly tall and his imaginary friend Aloysius Snuffleupagus  was revealed to be real after they wanted kids to be taken seriously when they told people about child abuse. Sad. Also, Snuffy is scary. If I ran into him and Big Bird in a well lighted alley I would run away screaming.

• Oscar the Grouch – Rejected

Pros: Green is awesome.
Cons: The dude lives in a trash can. Come on, man, have some self respect. And clean your room already.

• Bert – Rejected

Pros: Undying loyalty to his best bud.
Cons: As someone so fastidious, you’d think he’d do something about that distracting and unflattering unibrow.

• Ernie – Rejected

Pros: Undying loyalty to his best bud.
Cons: Stupid name. Really. Go by Earnest and my respect for you will increase 10,000 fold.

• Elmo – Rejected

Pros: Makes me laugh because I always think of his cute Tickle Me Elmo giggle.
Cons: Overplayed. Take a back seat and let someone else shine for awhile, ya spotlight hog.

• Cookie Monster – Seriously considered… then rejected

Pros: He does love his cookies. As someone who spent hours last week tweaking a chocolate chip cookie recipe and who then ate espresso oat cookies for breakfast this morning, I feel he and I may be muppety soul mates.
Cons: He now eats vegetables. He’s blue and I really really hate blue.

• Count von Count – Rejected

Pros: Vampires are SOOOO in right now.
Cons: His thing is counting. He’s a vampire with a monocle and obsessive compulsive disorder. That may seem cool to you know, but walk a mile in his shoes and then tell me you wouldn’t give anything for normal sight, real food, and to just be able to put on gloves in the morning without counting your fingers first.

And finally, my top choice.

• Rubber Ducky

Pros: He’s the one! He makes bathtime so much fun!
Cons: When I tried to interview him, he didn’t have much to say.

There you go. Complete Sesame Street interview fail. But Sesame Street? I love you anyway. Happy Birthday.

Thoughts while watching Slaughter High

YAY! My very first Final Girl Film Club review! The Final Girl Film Club is what inspired the tiniest sprinter and me to start our own film club, so you know it rocks. Also, our film club seems to be temporarily on hold while we figure out whose turn it is and why none of us watched ‘It’s Pat’. Oh right – that’s why.

You know what NOT to do while watching Slaughter High? Don’t turn on whichever option it is that puts Who Wants to Be a Millionaire style questions on the bottom of the screen. Especially don’t let someone else turn them on and then leave without telling you what option it was. If you had had them on, you would have learned gems like this: Simon Scuddamore,  the actor that plays the psycho, killed himself in 1986. If that doesn’t put you in the mood for a horror movie, I don’t know what does.

Other than that, this was seriously classic. The basic premise of a the movie is that a bunch of kids were gigantic jerks in high school to a nerdy kid named Marty. Their harassment included making him talk dirty and get naked while filming him. Yeah, it was awesome. When they get busted they blame Marty, and their revenge leaves him with a face full of acid and horribly burned hands.

Ten years later, we wake up with Carol, the girl who used her feminine wiles to get Marty naked in the first place. She is now an… actress? Stripper? Model? Something that requires her to have a sleazy agent who says ‘you take your clothes off for money every day of the week, but you won’t take this role?’ She replies with ‘I’d rather go to my high school reunion than take THIS role’. Which I guess means we’re going to a reunion – the role never comes up again.

All the jerks show up at the old high school, and it turns out they were the only ones invited to this said ‘reunion’. Instead of going back to town, they break into the closed up high school and find food and drink and their old lockers, full of things they’d ‘lost’ back in high school. I apologize for my overuse of quotes, here, but I can tell you it’s not going to get any better – this movie demands you say a lot of things in that ‘quote’ tone of voice.  Carol is wearing a white pantsuit with MC Hammer pants which is possibly the least flattering thing I’ve ever seen anyone wear. Ever.

In a twist that surprises absolutely no one except the jerks, Marty shows up and starts picking them off one by one. The first to go is my personal favorite. I must have looked away at some point, because when I looked back his stomach was pulsating like he was in an alien movie, and then his abdomen split open and his intestines exploded. Literally. I have no idea how Marty did that, but it led the girl who got covered with intestinal ickiness to take her clothes off so he must have known what he was doing. She tries to wash away the goo, but then the water turns to acid! That Marty, such a kidder.

Yep, that's the pulsating stomach.

The killings continue all willy nilly, and there are some nice twists. Someone unexpectedly kills the wrong person, someone you thought would live doesn’t… and then we discover that nothing was as it seemed!! I actually dug the movie. The acting sucked (although apparently Carol was a Bond girl at one point (thank you onscreen trivia) and those chicks are always known for their acting chops, right?) but the effects were completely acceptable and the score was actually pretty freaking rad.

My favorite part was when Marty apparently kills someone by dropping her into a pit full of sewage. She climbs out, and he pushes her back in with his foot and then walks away. I’m thinking that maybe he expects her failure to be so disheartening that she won’t climb out again? I also quite enjoyed the ‘who is Stella’s baby daddy’ side plot – it added a much needed touch of Maury Povich.

Emmanation rating: A jack-o-lantern shaped cupcake cake with tasty frosting, off the day old shelf at the grocery store.